The Part of the Story Where I Wish There Was a Better Ending

Oh, how I wish I had better news for this post.  But sadly I don't.

To recap:

Two weeks ago Saturday, we had our retrieval.  We ended up with 8 eggs.
Good, not great, based on our doctor's predictions.
But I'll take it.

The next day we get a call from the nurse.  Six of the eggs were mature enough to fertilize.
Five of them take.
Five feels good....enough for multiple tries.
Maybe even multiple babies. 
(Oh, dare I hope?)

Lots of prayers are uttered on Sunday as we simply await Monday's transfer.
Lord, please protect our babies.

Bright and early Monday morning we make the 2 hour trek to our reproductive endocrinologist's office.
Our spirits are high and we're feeling hopeful.
We are prepped and brought into the transfer room.
The doctor comes in and tells us that only ONE embryo continued to develop through the night.  That the sperm was just "no good" this time around.
One.

We are disappointed and discouraged.
And yet, we have HOPE.
This one, sweet little embryo.
The doctor tells us that this little one is healthy and that we have a chance - about a 40% chance.

Forty percent is great in the fertility world.
In the real world though, it doesn't feel as great.
The big, gaping 60% is staring me right in the face.

But we're grateful for anything at all.
And we know that our God is a God of miracles.
That with Him, numbers and chance don't matter. 
"Insurance" of extra embryos means little.
It's all God.
We choose to hope for the best, knowing that we are in God's hands now.
That's a good place to be.

We spent the past two weeks waiting. 
Mostly we stay strong.
But as the day of the pregnancy test nears, I am feeling more discouraged.
Any symptoms of being pregnant (most likely brought on by the HCG shot in the first place) have disappeared.
I know there is still a chance, but I'm worried.

Today was the pregnancy test day.
I woke up to spotting.
My gut is telling me that it's just not going to happen this time.

I go ahead and get myself and the boy out of the house and over to the lab.
I cry all the way home.

We wait all day to hear from the nurse. 
I'm still spotting, and I know in my heart that I'm not going to hear happy news today.

I'm right. 
The nurse finally calls around 4 to let me know that the test results are negative.
And she's so very sorry.
So am I.

Then I have to break the news to the Mr. who arrives home from work shortly after.
He has a glimmer of hope in his eyes, and I know that he thinks that it was a good sign that I didn't call him earlier.
Like maybe I wanted to surprise him with good news.
I hate to be the one to give him the news that breaks his heart.
This sucks.

We decide we need a distraction, so we head out of the house for awhile. 
Treat ourselves to Cokes and greasy restaurant fare.
"Comfort food," we say.
But we both admit that we'd give up Coke for the rest of our lives, if we could have a baby.
The Mr. says he'd even give up his computer for the rest of his life in exchange for a baby.
And if you know him, that's really saying something.

There is grief and disappointment and frustration.
There's confusion and asking "Why?"
But there's also comfort in knowing that God holds our future in the palm of His hand.
We are grateful for friends that are lifting us up even as I type this.

The Mr. reminds me that we have so much to be thankful for.
And it's true.
We just wanted more.

So what's next?
We really don't know how to answer that question.
And that's okay, because we don't need to right now.

I hate to think about never using my baby clothes again,
or never having a chance to dust off the old baby swing.
My heart longs for more children to fill our home.
And yet I am eternally grateful for the one I have.

We'll see what God has in store.

Retrieval Day!

Phew, we made it!  I'm happy to say that I am on the other side of the retrieval.  We reported to the doctor's office at 7:15 this morning for an 8:00 AM retrieval.  The nurse prepped my IV and I met with the anesthesiologist.  Things got going just after 8. 

The sedation worked like a charm.  Once I got in place in the procedure room, the anesthesiologist gave me some oxygen and asked me if I was starting to feel fuzzy.  I said "No,"...and that was the last thing I remembered!

Unfortunately, after the procedure I woke up to quite a bit of pain because I was cramping like crazy.  It lasted the better part of an hour but progressively got better as the tylenol (and later, the ibuprofen) kicked in.  I went home and slept most of the afternoon and now I feel like a new person.  I am still quite sore in the abdominal area, but I think that I'll be feeling back to normal tomorrow!

And...the results.  Well, we continue to be cautiously optimistic.  Based on ultrasounds, the doctor was expecting to retrieve 15-18 eggs. We were to the point that we were thinking that we would need to limit the number that we had fertilized.  But for whatever reason, there weren't eggs present in each of the follicles that he aspirated.  This seems to be a repeating pattern for me in these IVF cycles, and we're not sure why.  But we ended up with 8 eggs, which is still a good number.  The last few days we have been praying over the number of eggs, that God's sovereignty would cover whatever decision we made with our limited knowledge and perspective.  Now we need to trust that this is the perfect number for us, and hope that God will choose to bless us in this process.  It only takes one embryo, after all!  (Although we are certainly hoping for a few more!)

Tomorrow we will find out how many of the eggs they were able to fertilize, and what time to report on Monday for the transfer (God willing!).

Tonight I am feeling thankful and am feeling at peace for the most part.  We hope to get great news tomorrow, but we know that we are in God's hands, and that is a good place to be.  May He give us grace for whatever the outcome!

Thanks to those of you who have walked with us, prayed for us, and encouraged us through this process.  We love you and are thankful for each of you. 

The Beginning of the End

It's been quite a week!  I saw the doctor Saturday, Monday, Wednesday, and today.  Things are progressing really well, and at this point I'm feeling cautiously optimistic that this cycle may end much differently than our one in April...and that is a good thing.  There's been a lot of activity in my ovaries (meaning lots of follicles growing, and I have some huge ones!).  I'm hoping this means that we'll be retrieving some nice, big, healthy, mature eggs.

Speaking of which, my retrieval is scheduled for Saturday morning at 8 AM.  I'm feeling nervous and hopeful, but mostly I'm just eager to have it over.  It's the beginning of the end, and it's scary.  So much is going to happen over the next few days.  Overall this cycle seems to be so much better, and we're actually having to discuss whether or not we want to limit the number of eggs we have fertilized...we have the potential to have THAT many.  It's so hard to know what to do...on one hand, we hate to limit and then wish we had done more.  On the other hand, we do not want to be in the position of having too many embryos.  Praying that God gives us wisdom on this one, and that He will give us the perfect number.

If all goes according to plan, transfer will take place on Monday.  And then we wait!  It's almost surreal that we're at this point again.  I am thankful.

And speaking of thankful, I am SO incredibly thankful for the excellent customer service I have received from my specialty pharmacy over the past week.  We have had one heck of a time getting refills on my meds this past week thanks to superstorm Sandy.  There was actually one point on Monday afternoon that I got a call telling me that those meds that I had to have delivered the next morning?  Yeah, that wasn't going to happen, thanks to the weather.  (The pharmacy is stationed in Pennsylvania.)  I tell you, I nearly broke down and cried right there on the phone.  Being in the middle of the cycle, I could NOT go without these refills!  But we worked together, and in the end they managed to get my stuff shipped to me overnight night, from Texas (I live in the Midwest).  Phew!  Thank you God!

Another thing to be thankful for...the boy and I have been staying with my aunt this past week in order to be closer to my doctor's office (I live 2 hours away from my fertility specialist).  We have had a good week together.  Tonight the Mr. joined us; I'm happy to have our family all under one roof again.  And I'm especially thankful that my aunt so generously opened her home to us this week!

And one more thing.  Two of my husband's brothers, their wives, and their families (along with several of the Mr.'s aunts, uncles, and cousins) live on the east coast.  They are without power, but they are safe and their houses are fine.  We are so grateful.

I hope you all have much to be thankful for this week as well!
 

Hanging in There!

Hi friends!

I thought it was time for a little update on how things have been going this cycle.  I am doing well.  Today I had to give myself FIVE shots, which has got to be some sort of record.  Plus I got my blood drawn.  So yes, I would say things are in full swing around here!  I'm starting to feel like a pin cushion and have a few nice bruises to show for it, but really I am tolerating the meds quite well, and I am thankful for that.  I'm a little extra tired these days and at times feel a little "off" - sort of nauseous but not sick to my stomach, but overall I am well. 

Things seem to be running smoothly for the most part.  We have only had a couple of bumps in the road, and none of those have been too serious...

• The first night I went to do my shots, I realized that the nurse and I totally failed to discuss how to administer the one new drug I am using this cycle.  Shoot!  And of course it's 7:00 at night, so I can't call her.  I end up calling the answering service, who pages my doctor (who happens to be the one on call that night).  I absolutely HATE the idea of disrupting his evening, but what else can I do?  He graciously helps me figure out the answer (he ends up having to call the nurse himself, which is what I thought would happen).  In the end, everything works out fine, but not the most stress-free start!
• On Thursday I visited a clinic a little closer to my house for a monitoring appointment.  The Mr. and I have been there before for a consultation, but I've never driven myself.  It is in a large, downtown area that I'm unfamiliar with.  My appointment is at 8:10 which means I find myself in rush hour traffic as I get closer.  I'm doing well until I suddenly find myself stuck on an exit only ramp that brings me onto another highway altogether and right into the heart of downtown.  CRUD!  That would have to be the day that I forgot to grab the GPS out of the Mr.'s car!  I spend a few minutes in utter panic, then drive around and finally manage to get myself back where I came from.  I arrive at the clinic with a few minutes to spare.  Phew!  I'm glad they didn't take my blood pressure that morning!  :)
• This morning I had a monitoring appointment scheduled with my fert doc.  His office is 2 hours away from my house.  In the past, I have done monitoring appointments at a local clinic that works with his office, but this time around we both decided that it would be better to have more appointments at his office.  Plus, his main office is the only one that is open on a Saturday, so I have no choice but to make the drive.  My appointment was scheduled for 10:00 AM.  So I'm thinking that I'll leave the house by 8, home by noon...no problem!  The Mr. will spend the morning with the boy, and while it's an inconvenience to drive 4 hours round trip for a measly 20 minute appointment, I try to stay positive.  Around 11 last night, I decide to charge my cell phone to make sure I have it for the trip the next morning, and I see that somehow I missed a call.  I listen to my voicemail, and it's my nurse telling me that she's very sorry but my appointment had to be changed, and now they need to see me at 7:40 AM instead.  WHAT?!?!?  So I set my alarm for 5:20 and am out the door by 5:40 this morning.  I practically need toothpicks to keep my eyes open on the way there; it is pitch black, and since I'm warding off caffeine, well YAWN... 

But seriously, if these are my only problems, then I'll take them!  As long as I am responding to the meds as I am supposed to, then I can handle the little annoyances.  My doc wants to see me again on Monday for another monitoring appointment, and as we get closer to retrieval time, I expect that I'll need to be seen more frequently at the main office.  So the Boy and I are going to leave tomorrow evening to go stay with my family who live much closer to my RE's office.

I'll try to update later in the week!  Hope you all have a good rest of the weekend!

Update

Went back to the fert doc this morning for a follow-up ultrasound...and the cyst was gone!  Yay!  

So we're on track to get things rolling.  Today I had my first blood draw, and then I plunked down a big chunk of change to pay the balance due for this cycle.  Injectable meds start tomorrow night - beginning with the follicle stimulating hormones (FSH) and the growth hormones (GH).  The plan is to see the doctor again on Thursday for another ultrasound and blood draw. 

Feeling thankful today for answered prayers!  

Irony

Remember in the last post when I said I never had a found during my pre-IVF ultrasound? 

Well, scratch that.

I think I jinxed myself!  I went in for my U/S on Friday, and sure enough, there is a cyst on my left ovary.  D'oh!  I'm not super freaked out...obviously this type of thing is pretty common, since they do a special ultrasound just to check for them.  And there is a good chance that once AF arrives, the cyst could be reabsorbed.  If it remains, though, it looks like we'll have to delay a month.  So we'll see what happens.

Praying that the cyst clears up on it's own in the next few days.  But if it doesn't, I'm going to trust that God's timing on all of this is better than mine. 

IVF

I can't believe the whole IVF process will be starting up for us in about a week or so!  To quote my dear sister-in-law: "Deep, cleansing breaths!"

I realize that not everyone reading this blog understands the process of IVF, and so I'd thought I'd describe the process for those who are interested.  If you dislike medical talk or are at all squeamish, feel free to pass this post right on by!  :)

Here's a description of a typical "fresh" IVF cycle:

Initially, you go through some tests - bloodwork, a hysteroscopy (scope of the uterus where they inject saline to make sure the fallopian tubes are clear and also check that the uterine wall look healthy), and a mock embryo transfer - where they actually go through the process of inserting a small catheter into the uterus and pretend they're transferring an embryo to make sure that everything can be done smoothly when the time comes for the "main event." 

When you get your period, you go in for a general ultrasound to check the lining of the uterus and to make sure there are no cysts on the ovaries.  Cysts are not uncommon during menses, but the hormones injected during IVF could cause the cysts to grow, or the cysts could affect the ovary's ability to produce eggs, so if cysts are present, then usually they make you wait a month (this hasn't happened to me).

If everything looks clear, they bring on the drugs.  Generally, you first have an injection that shuts down your ovaries (this is actually started before you get your period and then is administered throughout the IVF cycle).  They do this because they don't want you to spontaneously ovulate on your own; they want to control everything themselves.  This drug is called Lu.pron (or leuprolide acetate = generic).  Sometimes you can be on this a week or two, with one injection each day. 

Then, around Day 3 of your period, you add a second drug that grows the follicles called an FSH (follicle stimulating hormone).  The job of this drug is to grow the eggs in the ovaries.  The ovary is made up of follicles.  In a normal cycle of ovulation, just one follicle of the ovary will produce an egg.  The goal in this step of IVF is to stimulate multiple follicles to grow eggs.  Each follicle has just one egg growing inside of it.  But since the ovary is made of many follicles, the ovary will produce several eggs on this medication.  (Last cycle I have 8 growing on my right ovary and 9 on my left.)

As the eggs get bigger, a second medication will be added to the FSH; basically it's job is to help the eggs mature before retrieval. 

The patient is monitored very closely during this process.  Every 2-3 days, ultrasounds are performed to measure the size of the eggs and blood is drawn to check estrogen levels.  They monitor your estrogen very closely because they don't want to overstimulate you, which can have some pretty awful side affects, and in very rare cases, can put you in the hospital. 

Trigger: usually around Day 12 (give or take a few days). Once a certain number of follicles reach a certain size (I believe it's around 15mm or so), you get a butt shot of HCG (Human Chori.onic Gon.ad.otropin) to trigger ovulation.  This releases the eggs, and exactly 36 hours later they are ready for retrieval.  After the trigger shot, all other injections are stopped as well.

Retrieval:  This is scheduled for exactly 36 hours after the trigger shot.  The patient takes valium to relax and is offered IV sedation.  A needle is inserted through the vaginal wall and up into the ovaries.  The end of the needle is hollow.  The needle aspirates each follicle and sucks the eggs out.  It usually takes between 20 and 30 minutes.

That same morning, the husband gives a semen sample (they have it sooooo rough, don't they!?!? Ha!).  After the retrieval, the lab fertilizes the eggs.  In our case, because of the male factor infertility with compromised sperm count and motility, we do an additional procedure called ICSI - an acronym for some very long name that means that instead of putting the eggs and the sperm together in a petri dish and letting nature take its course, the lab specialist picks out the best looking sperm and injects one into each of the eggs, thus improving the chance for fertilization.  This is often recommended for patients who have low sperm count or low motility.     

Once the eggs are fertilized, the cells start to divide.  The lab grows them for 2 days to see which embryos continue to develop.  Then you return to the office for an embryo transfer (usually 1-2 embryos), and if you have any leftover, they are cryopreserved in order to use later in a frozen embryo transfer. 

The transfer is easy-peasy.  They insert the catheter and drop those little babes off where hopefully they decide to nestle into that nice cushy uterine lining for the next 9 months or so.  :)  On the day of the transfer, you start taking a dose of progesterone.  This is either a butt-shot once a day, or a vaginal suppository 3x a day.  Also, after the transfer, the patient is on bedrest for 2 days to encourage implantation.

With the exception of the the Lu.pron and the pre-cycle testing, the whole process takes about 2 weeks.

About 12 days after the transfer, you have a pregnancy test with a follow-up test 2 days later.  If you are pg, you stay on progesterone through the first trimester.

So, that's IVF in a nutshell. 

This time around our experience will be a little different than I described above:

• We'll do a slightly different protocol, called the antagonist protocol, where I won't take Lup.ron to shut down my ovaries.  Instead, on Day 8 of the cycle, I'll start an antagonist drug called Gan.i.relix that will keep me from ovulating.  
• My doctor is also adding an additional daily injection of a growth hormone that has been found to help eggs mature more successfully with no adverse side-affects.  
• My doctor really wants to grow my eggs much larger than we have in the past - triggering when follicles reach closer to 22-24mm.  Oooh, boy.  I am going to be uncomfortable!
• Because we're pushing my ovaries further, my doctor wants to avoid the risk of hyperstimulation.  One way to do this is to use Lu.pr.on for the trigger, along with a small dose of HCG.  Yup, two butt shots...nice!  Don't ask me why this works, but it does apparently.
• We've also decided that for this cycle, I am going to be put under general anesthesia for the retrieval.  For me, each cycle's retrieval has become increasingly more painful and difficult, so I am thankful for this option.  Not everyone has the same experience with this, so if you are someone facing IVF, I'm not trying to freak you out!  My first times were difficult, but not nearly as painful as it was when we did it last April.  We do have to pay for an anesthesiologist, but I'm glad that this is even an option because enduring another retrieval very well could have been a deal breaker for me.

So for nearly two weeks, I'll be injecting myself 4 to 5 times on a daily basis.  I'll have at least a half-dozen blood draws.  And yes, there's that lovely needle used during the retrieval.  Needless to say, I'm going to feel like one giant pincushion by the time this is all over!!!

For those reading this blog who are considering IVF, I do feel that it's important to mention one other aspect that is significant to this process: cost.  IVF costs us thousands of dollars, because sadly our insurance company does not cover any costs related to IVF.  This is fairly typical for those going through this treatment. So if you're considering IVF, I encourage you to do lots of investigating ahead of time as to what may or may not be covered.   And while I'm incredibly thankful to be in a position where we even have the option to do this, I do have to admit that it's still hard to spend so much money on something that the majority of the population gets for free!  :)  

Still worth it though.

And one more thing.  God is teaching me so much through this journey.  Something that I have to keep reminding myself of is that ultimately I can't put all of my hope and trust in the medicines, the doctors, and this process.  Rather, I need to put my trust in the One who have given me the medicines, the doctors, the process.  Any time a life is formed, it is Creator God who is breathing life into that tiny being.  And while I'm incredibly grateful that God has given us skilled doctors, researchers for medical advancements, and all of the resources needed to help us have a baby, ultimately it is He who will give us this gift of life if that is His will for us.  I pray that it will be so, but more importantly whatever the outcome, I pray that I will continue to trust in His good plan for my life.

Special Delivery

Here's what was waiting for me on my front porch this afternoon. 

Ooh...what could it be?

My latest online purchase?

A gift from a secret admirer?

A visit from Publishers Clearinghouse?

Ha...nope!  It's all my IVF meds.

Crazy, eh?

I'll still be needing 3 meds on top of what's here, but this gives you a small picture into what my life will look like in a few short weeks: shots, shots, and more shots!

Here We Go Again

I had a phone consultation with my fert doc last week Thursday, and it went really well.  God continues to open doors for us on this journey.  Everything our doctor said affirmed our decision to move forward with IVF next month.  I am once again so grateful to have a doctor that I trust; he never pressures, gives wise counsel, and is a godly man and incredibly skilled fertility specialist.  We are blessed.

We are going to use the same protocol as last time - an antagonist cycle using Ga.ni.relix (for those of you that it means anything to!), but this time we are really going to push my ovaries further in order to get more mature eggs.  Where our doc would usually trigger when a few eggs grow to around 15-17 mm, he wants to push me more to the 22-24 mm range.  Multiply thar times the many eggs they hope to grow on each side, and boy am I going to be uncomfortable!  But the good news is that I am going to be put under this time around for the retrieval.  Last time was pretty traumatic for me, and so I am really relieved to not have to think about going through that again!

He is also going to be adding a growth hormone this time around, which recently has shown to improve egg maturity and embryo quality with no negative side effects.  Yay...another drug!  (Sarcasm)  But seriously, if it improves our chances then I'm all for it.

Meds have been ordered and paid for (OUCH) and will arrive next week.  Things are starting to happen!  I don't know whether to be anxious or excited or both.  The IVF process is incredibly intense emotionally, physically, financially, and yes even spiritually.  Right now I think I am feeling a little numb, but I suspect as the time gets closer, all of the emotions will kick in!

IVF is such a crazy process.  Anytime someone is blessed with a pregnancy, I know that it is God who is creating that life!  And yet, some of us need a little help with producing the right environment for that to happen.  I am thankful that God has given us the technology to receive the help we need, as well as doctors with the skills, passion, knowledge and wisdom to help us.  It is my prayer that God might use this process to bless us with another baby (or two!  Just dreaming...!).

Next week I'll give a more detailed post on the IVF process for those who are interested.  Until then, have a good weekend! 

Update

Well, I did it.

On Monday I took the plunge and set up a consultation with my fertility specialist.  Our summer of waiting is over, and the Mr. and I have decided on our next steps.  It looks like we're going to give good ol' IVF another try.

Are we crazy?  Maybe.  (Probably!)  The process of IVF is incredibly draining - physically, emotionally, financially.  We've been burned by this process more than I would like to admit.  And yet, we have been profoundly BLESSED through this process as well, and I suppose that's what is bringing us back to it again: the hope the God might choose to use this process to bless us once again.

I feel incredibly grateful that the Mr. and I are on the same page with all of this.  We sort of came to our own conclusions independently of each other, and so when we talked about our next steps, it was easy.  That's sort of how it's been for us all along this journey, and for that I am so thankful, because I know how much stress and strain infertility can put on a couple.  Yes, there are times when the stress has brought the ugly out of us, but overall I do thank God that this journey - with all of its ups and downs - has served to make us stronger as a couple, rather than tearing us apart.

It's funny.  After our summer of waiting and then making our decision on where we felt God was leading us, you'd think I'd be chomping at the bit to get this process going.  But instead, I found myself dragging my feet a little these past few weeks to make the call.  I was a little surprised at myself, but here's the thing: right now I have hope.  And as exciting as it is to think about the possibility of getting pregnant and having another baby, part of me is scared because I know how quickly this entire process can come to a screeching halt.  I'm scared that a door might get slammed closed and that we might have to come to terms with the fact that we might never have another biological child.

Let me clarify.  If we get to that point, I know that we'll be incredibly disappointed, but I also trust that if God leads us to it, He'll lead us through it.  I believe that He can use that disappointment to grow us, mold us, shape us.  But that doesn't mean that it won't be a painful process.

I trust...but it's still scary.

This summer was so good.  The waiting was good.  When friends asked me how I was doing, I could honestly say that I had complete peace with our decision to take time off from everything.  All of the benefits of waiting far surpassed the discomfort and pressure of time passing us by - that all women who deal with IF know all too well.

On one hand I wish that life circumstances were different, and we didn't have to consider facing another round of IVF, and yet on the other, I am incredibly grateful that we even have the option of doing IVF at all.  

Most of all, I pray that God will be glorified in and through this process, whatever the outcome.  May He give me eyes to see His goodness and to live joyfully in the midst of stress or hardship or struggle.  As much as I hope for the desires of my heart, may I trust in God's good plan for my life, no matter how that plays out in the months and years ahead.   

Grateful

It's Back to School Day around here.  This is my third September of not returning to school myself as the teacher, and there's still always a little bit of nostalgia around this time of year.  After all, for 17 years, I went back to school as a student, and for 9 years beyond that, I went back as a teacher.  So this day holds special meaning for me.  I've always loved school...as a teacher I looked forward to the year ahead, getting to know my students, and being a part of the school community.  It was a blessed season of my life. 

I ran into the mom of a former student at the grocery store this morning.  She had just come from dropping her kids off, and she asked me the question I hear so often, "So...do you miss teaching?"

I never quite know how to answer that question.  On one hand - yes. I miss the people, especially.  I miss being a part of the lives of my colleagues and students on a daily basis.  But the stronger feeling is no, I don't miss it.  Maybe it's because I know that teaching will be there again for me someday.  But mostly I think it's because for years I dreamed of having a baby and staying at home.  So as much as I love to teach, right now - in this moment - I'm living my dream. 

And I couldn't be more happy or grateful.

The icing on the cake?  Right now God is bringing into my life some new opportunities for teaching.   Not in the same way as before, but in the form of a small group Bible study at church and the possibility of leadership in my moms' group.  I feel blessed for the opportunity to grow and use my gifts outside of my role as wife and mother. 

Someday, teaching will a part of my professional life again.  But for now, I'm content to relish each day that I get to spend teaching my sweet boy.  And just as often, I'm the student - learning and growing as a mother.  I thank God for that beautiful gift.

Recently Read

Wow.

Recently I finished Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman.  It is an incredibly powerful book.  Mary Beth isn't the most polished writer on the planet, but there's a reason this book was on the NY Times Bestseller list.

In case you don't know her story, let me summarize.  Mary Beth is the wife of contemporary Christian music star Steven Curtis Chapman.  She and Steven had three biological children before going on to adopt three daughters from China.  In 2008, her five year old daughter Maria was accidentally struck by an SUV driven by the Chapman's teenage son.  Maria died from her injuries that day.

Mary Beth's writing is honest and transparent.  She shares openly about everything: her poor body image as a teenager, her struggle with depression, the challenge of being in the public eye because of her husband's fame, her ongoing battle with grief.  And yet, even in her deepest, darkest moments, Mary Beth points her reader back to God. 

She admits that more often than not, she finds herself longing for the return of Jesus Christ so that she can hold her sweet daughter in her arms once again...the hope of heaven. 

But on those days that she feels on the verge of despair, when fear and doubt and anger and sadness threaten to swallow her whole...it is in those moments that she chooses to SEE how God is working.  How He is making all things new.  That joys and blessings surround her even in the midst of sorrow and grief.  It is in those moments, she shares, that she chooses to believe what she knows to be Truth - truth about God, about life, about herself - even when her broken heart is telling her a different story. 

She would be the first one to say that none of it is easy.  If she had her way, her daughter would still be here.  She and her family wouldn't be carrying this burden of sorrow and grief.  But sadly, that's not the reality.  And since that's the case, she's determined to SEE how God can be glorified in the midst of such tragedy.

It is a wonderfully inspiring story, especially for anyone who has experienced loss or suffering or pain.  I will admit that some nights it was hard to close my eyes after reading, the description of the accident scene and the horrifying emotions that come with experiencing such a loss made me want to run into the other room, grab hold of my boy and never let him go.  But Mary Beth's story is so encouraging that it is worth the read. 

Sometimes It Just Doesn't Make Sense

Thinking about a fellow IF blogger who's going through her fourth miscarriage.  She recently announced her pregnancy, and I was so hoping this was it for her.  I can only imagine how heartbroken she is tonight.  Why do some people have to go through so much pain and disappointment?  I wish I had the words to encourage her.  Some things I just don't think we'll understand this side of heaven. 

Inspiration

I find Joni Erickson Tada to be one of the most inspirational Christian women in the world today.  She has every reason to be bitter, and yet she is joy-filled, encouraging, faithful, and God-honoring.  Talk about being graceful and choosing joy in the midst of hardship!  Her amazing attitude and strong faith inspire me and humble me all at the same time.

I just saw a link to this on face.book, and I SO want to get my hands on this pamphlet:

God's Hand in Our Hardship:
http://www.joniandfriends.org/store/product/gods-hand-our-hardship/

 Looks like an encouraging read!

Hard Truth

Why is it so hard to talk about infertility? 

For me, the details can feel so private and personal that it can be hard to share.  And it's not just my gory details, but also my husband's.  Then there's the fear of gossip; I don't really want people talking about the very private and very personal details of our lives.  There's the shame...people making assumptions that there is something wrong with me when there isn't.

The list goes on.

For me, there's also the guilt. Sometimes it's a challenge for me to admit that this is hard...and not what I hoped for or dreamed of when I thought about having babies.  It's not hard in a daily, constantly-consuming-my-life kind of way...but there are definitely moments when it is just plain hard.  In those moments, I almost feel guilty for saying it, because I don't want to sound ungrateful for all the wonderful blessings in my life.  I don't want God or others to think I'm so focused on having a baby that I'm missing all of the wonderful gifts in my life.

I get that perspective is good...if I put all my focus and energy into having another baby, if I make that my prize, if that's my source of happiness and joy, then I'm bound to lose sight of all of the goodness around me.  I am positive and joyful by nature, and for the most part I think I do a good job on focusing on the blessings and not on the fear or disappointments or pain in life.  But sometimes I think I don't give myself permission to just be real when something is hard.

Sometimes perspective gets me in trouble.  I'll find myself minimizing my own struggles, because there's always someone out there that's got it much worse.  Which is true.  Everyone goes through difficult times at some point or another in their life.  That's true too.  And yet, the disappointments, fears, and pain that I have experienced are real and true, and it's okay for me to grieve that as well, without comparing my story to someone else's.  

It's good for me to be open and honest and vulnerable and transparent.  I know, I know...the irony that this blog is anonymous isn't lost on me.  :)  But blogging about this journey has been so good for me.  Just writing about it has helped me become more comfortable with sharing my story.  It's all about baby steps, y'all. 

When my friends and I got together last week for our little birthday celebration, we got onto the topic of God's will.  I was sharing that it can be difficult to know how to pray...we would love another baby, and yet I don't know if that's God's will for my life.  And I want to petition for this baby without worrying that God will find me greedy or ungrateful for all that we've already been blessed with.  One of my friends responded, "You know, part of God's will for you is that you be honest with Him." 

I think sometimes I'm afraid that if I express my worries and fears to God, it's a sign that I'm not trusting enough.  That if this all works out in the end and I'm lucky enough to have another baby, then God will be justified in saying, "See, I told you that it would all work out.  And you didn't trust me.  You were worried for nothing."

While it's true that I don't want to waste time worrying over something I can't control, and I know that God is worthy of my trust, I was reminded that it is okay to just bring it all to God.  I don't need to take my thoughts and feelings, sort it all out, neatly package it, and present it in an organized manner to God.  I can be real with Him and trust that He knows my heart.  He is, after all, the One to gave me a capacity to love and a desire for more children.  There's nothing selfish about that.

Blessed

I am blessed to have some of the most wonderful friends a girl could ask for.

Yesterday three amazing ladies came to my house - bearing yummy food - with the goal of celebrating my birthday.

The four of us have shared a lot of life together over the past 11 years, celebrating each other's joys and victories as well as sharing in each other's pain, disappointments, and sorrows.

We have lifted one another up in prayer.

I can honestly say that these godly, wise, compassionate, faithful women have been some of the most influential people in my adult life.

We talked and laughed over salad, fruit, and Boston cream pie.

They loved on my boy.

They asked me how I am doing and patiently listened as I shared my thoughts, feelings, hopes, joys, struggles, and fears.

They offered encouragement, wise counsel, and promises of continued prayer.

I'm beyond grateful for the sisterhood I share with these dear women.  God uses them regularly to encourage my heart and point me back to Him.

Today I'm feeling refreshed, renewed, and reminded of God's love.

I am blessed.      

Life Is Good

We had a lovely time visiting family last week.  I live in the Midwest, where we had CRAZY temps over 100 degrees last week, so I'm thankful that we were near water and the beach (and that my parents have A/C!). 

The Boy LOVED the water and took to throwing his hands up in the air, spinning around, and then flinging himself into the water.  Kept this mama on her toes!

We're having dear friends stay with us Thursday through Saturday of this week.  They moved away last year but are back in the state (yay!) and are coming for a visit.  They have been there for us through thick and thin.  I looking forward to a fun few days of catching up, loving on their little one, and, of course, playing games!

On Wednesday the Mr. and I are heading out on a date night, just the two of us.  A couple from our small group at church have been wanting to find a tangible way to support us during our time of waiting, and so they've offered to babysit the Boy for us.  We are blessed by their kindness.  We're using it as an excuse to celebrate my birthday, since I'll be out on the softball field on the actual day later this week.  :)

Wishing you all a joy-filled week!

Heading Out

This has been a summer of travel for us so far!  Tomorrow the boy and I are once gettin' outta Dodge.  (Where did that phrase even come from?)  First we'll go to my parent's trailer to camp with them for a few days.  Then we'll head back to my parent's house where we'll meet up with the Mr. later this week for a long weekend with my family.  Yay!  Time with my family gives me JOY!

And to think at the beginning of June I was worried about what we were going to do with ourselves all summer!  :) 

My Boy...

...makes me laugh.

Awhile back, whenever we'd get off our highway exit, the Mr. and I would say, "Kitty, we're coming home!"  Now - totally unprompted - whenever we hit our exit, our boy calls out "Kitty!  Kitty!!!" pretty much without fail.  Even if he seems totally engrossed in some activity, he stops whatever he is doing to call for Kitty.  It makes us chuckle every time.

The Mr. has started running in the mornings, and our boy gets to ride along in the jogging stroller.  He's taken to yelling, "Go, Daddy, go!" as they make their way along our country road.

Lately, the boy has become very preoccupied with babies...even the "babies" that are only a month or two younger than him.  :)  It started when we saw a younger boy on the play structure at the park a few weeks back.  He seemed very concerned that a "baby" (an 18 month old boy) was going to go down a very steep slide.  He took it upon himself to warn that baby, even though I assured him that the boy's mother was right there and was taking care of him.  "No-no, Baby...no 'up' (translation: slide) Baby.  Uh oh, Baby..." and so on.  And now, every time we see a baby at the pool, at the playground, in the church nursery, he feels the needs to boss the baby around.  Is he a firstborn child, or what?!?  (Being a firstborn myself, I can joke about this!)

The other day, our mother's helper arrived wearing a Nike jacket with a yellow swoosh.  The boy kept pointing to it and yelling, "Moon!  Moon!"  Ha!

In the past few weeks, any evidence of "baby" has more or less vanished, and my dear boy is looking more and more like a big boy everyday.  Perhaps it's the recent haircut.  And as much as I'm LOVING this wonderful age of discovery, part of me is sad to be passing out of those baby years.  Perhaps it's even more nostalgic because I'm not sure that I'll ever get to experience them again....but it makes me want to hold tight to every moment.

Recently Read...

The Hiding Place by Corrie TenBoom.

Wow.

How is it that have I never read this book before now? 

The Hiding Place is the heart-wrenching true story of Corrie TenBoom and her family, who were arrested and sent to concentration camps as punishment for helping/protecting persecuted Jews during WWII.

It is an incredible story of faith and God's redemption.  I am humbled and inspired when I read of the faith of this woman, who endured so much suffering.

I could go on and on....but instead I'll say this: if you haven't read it yet, please do!  It should be on everyone's must-read list.

Joy

Here are a few things that have brought me JOY recently:

Our friend "E":  We have a high school girl that comes to our house approximately once a week to spend time with our boy...a "mother's helper" of sorts.  She is lovely; and it's wonderful to have her in the house.  Even better?  She comes for free! 

How'd I get so lucky?  Well, this past winter her mom called me up, explaining that E needed a purposeful way to serve and be encouraged in the process, and she thought of me.  She was hoping that her daughter could come help out with my boy, and in return her parents would "pay" her for her efforts by putting money toward her band trip.  How cool is that?!?  I hope someday I am half the parents they are. 

A new friend:  While on vacay last week at my in-law's, I had the joy and privilege of meeting in person, for the first time, a friend that I have been connecting with over email the past few months.  It has been such a blessing to share in each other's lives through email, encouraging one another and committing to pray for each other.  I was amazed at how quickly we picked up, just like old friends, when we got together.  Our conversation was natural and easy, and yet because of similarities in our life stories, we could also share deeply and from the heart.  Here's hoping it's the first of many more get-togethers!   

My sister:  I have two sisters, and I adore them.  I am so happy that my youngest sister and her husband are staying with us for the next 4.5 days.  They are low-maintenance houseguests, are loads of fun, and totally love on my boy.  I'm looking forward to all the game playing that will take place in the next few days!  Plus, we already hit up Costco, courtesy of their membership, and have planned a sewing project for the weekend.  Fun!

The park:  We have a great park near our house with a lake and a splash pad.  Yesterday I met a friend and her boys there, and we had a blast together.  I love watching my boy delight in the water.  His joy gives me joy!

What I've Been Up To

We just got back from a lovely little family vacay at the in-law's.  The boy and I were there for the entire week, and the Mr. drove out on Thursday night to join us for a long weekend.  Their town is one of the loveliest places around, and best of all there's lots of water nearby, which makes my boy especially happy!  We did lots of biking, beaching, and playgrounding.  My mother-in-law kept us well-fed with her delicious cooking, and we frequented the local ice cream stand.  The boy reveled in the joy of being the center of his little universe with four adults at his beck and call.

I'm fully expecting grandparent withdrawal this week.

Good thing we have a playdate tomorrow morning to ease the pain of re-entry into real life.

The Mr. and I celebrated our anniversary on Saturday.  We left our boy in the loving care of his grandparents and went out for an afternoon on the town.  First we hit up an area farm where we bought up a bunch of local strawberries...mmm!  Then we headed into the downtown area where we played a round of miniature golf, did some shopping, and finished up the afternoon with an early dinner.  We talked and laughed and reflected on the past, and I loved every second of it...except when I lost at miniature golf!  (Yes, I am much too competitive.)

In some ways, our life has certainly taken a different course than we dreamed it would when we started out at the beginning.  As we talked over dinner, we found that it was easy to think about and reflect on the past, but we discovered it was more difficult to think about and plan for the future.  Like most couples, we share hopes and dreams for the days to come...and yet we know better than most that life doesn't always go how we planned.   There is so much out of our control.

It's a difficult thing - in some ways it's hard to allow ourselves to hope and dream, because we don't want to be disappointed.  And we know that we mustn't grasp too tightly to our own plans, but rather remain flexible in order to allow ourselves to be placed at the center of God's will.

But honestly?  Sometimes I'm fearful that my hopes/dreams/plans and God's will seem mutually exclusive.  I know it's not true, but it can be scary to give up control.  And yet I know that God has a good plan for our lives, and that He's calling me to trust Him yet again.

Once in awhile, though, I wish that for a few moments I could know the carefree confidence of a couple who takes for granted their ability to grow their family with ease.  Those who don't know the physical, emotional, and financial strain of infertility treatments.   

And yet.

I do know that my husband and I are stronger as a couple for what we have gone through together.  For that I am thankful.  I fully realize that our struggles could tear us apart.  And yet our love is deeper and stronger than ever.  I feel blessed that God has given me such a wonderful partner, and despite our highs and lows, I wouldn't want to do life with anybody else. 

What a joy to walk hand-in-hand on this journey through life as we love, nurture, and care for our beautiful son, build our home, and serve the Lord together.

I have much to be thankful for.

Recently Read

I'm back!  Our trip to Nebraska was absolutely wonderful.  Makes me wish our families lived closer.  We often joke that we are going to build a town with our extended family so we can all live together, and then we brainstorm who can have what job.  We have the teachers, scientists, and pastors well covered...but who's going to collect the trash???

Hmm...we still have a few details to work out.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately (a lot for me, anyway...the Mr. is the true bookworm of our family!  He puts me to shame.).  This past winter I was sharing my heart with a friend, and afterward she passed along a book to me.  She said that it might take awhile for me to be ready to read this book--and I may never be, and that was okay too.  She promised that she wouldn't be the least bit offended if I passed it back to her and had never cracked it open.  I thanked her and put it on a shelf.

It sat there for a long time.

But then after our failed IVF in April, I decided that maybe I was ready to read it.

And I'm so glad I did.  It was really good.

The book is called Carried Safely Home: The Spiritual Legacy of an Adoptive Family by Kristin Swick Wong.  It chronicles her family's journey to adopt their two young sons from Vietnam.  Kristin gives an honest and transparent look into the challenges and struggles of their process as well as highlighting how she saw God's hand at work and celebrating the joys and blessings her family experienced along the way.   There were many things I really liked about this book, and I was surprised to find several similarities between her journey with adoption and mine with infertility.

A few reflections...

1.  I appreciated her grappling with the role of prayer in a Christian's life, especially when we cry out to God and our prayers seem to go unanswered.  We might find ourselves asking, "What is the purpose of prayer anyway?"  I know the "Sunday School" answers to this question and have even encouraged others when they've voiced similar sentiments.  But as it's become more personal, I get it.  I know what it's like to pray like crazy for something and not have it happen they way I had hoped.  But Kristin reminds us of God's sovereignty; He indeed may be answering our prayers, even when the outcome is not what we hoped for.  Sometimes He graciously lets us see how He has worked for our good.  Other times, though, I'm convinced that there are things we won't fully understand this side of Heaven.  

2.  As I discussed in a previous post, I could really resonate with her reflections on the challenges of waiting on the Lord.  Her words encouraged me to be intentional in my own time of waiting, in hopes that God can use this time to grow me and stretch me in ways I might not have been otherwise.

3.  I love her parallels between earthly adoption and our Heavenly Father's adoption of us, his children.

4.  She reminded me of the value of being a part of the body of Christ.  The way her friends came alongside her, prayed for her family and her sons, walked with her through challenges, and celebrated her triumphs was truly amazing.  It really inspired me; I want to be that kind of friend to others.

5.  I was challenged by her call to love our neighbor and care for the orphans and widows in a more global sense.

6.  Kristin's faith is at the center of this book.  She is the first to admit that she is not perfect, but her strong faith, godly character, and desire to follow God's call on her life are evident throughout this story.  It is inspiring.  I love her use of scripture to encourage her readers.  The woman knows her Bible!

I don't know if God is calling us toward adoption.  I do believe that sometimes God does use infertility to move a person's heart toward adoption, but not always.  I do know that adoption is a huge decision and not one to be taken lightly.  I acknowledge that with adoption comes challenges and at times heart-breaking struggles and disappointments, but it also brings unspeakable joys and countless blessings.  We'll see what God has in store for our family.

Family Time

I'm getting excited to head out this week on a little road-trip to visit family in Omaha.

Nebraska, y'all.

I know what you're thinking: it's not the most luxurious vacation destination, right?  But I'm telling you: it's going to be a blast.

We're going to visit my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and their kids.  I'm excited to see everyone and for the kids to all get to know each other a bit better.  Now that my boy is two, I'm thinking he'll better understand that these people are special - part of his family.  We show him pictures of everyone and work on names, but it will be fun to actually have some time together.

Pray that we all survive the 12-hour drive.

And this is just a warm-up for our big family get together in July!

That's right...
All five families.
That's nineteen of us. 
In a house on a lake. 
With six bedrooms. 
And six bathrooms. 
But only one kitchen. 
And one fridge. 

Should be an adventure!!!

I love my family.

Mother's Day Reflection

I enjoyed a wonderful Mother's Day weekend with my husband and my sweet boy.  We didn't do anything extravagant, but honestly my favorite thing is just being with the two of them (and it didn't hurt that the Mr. did the cooking!).

I think because of my journey with IF, though, I'll always view Mother's Day a bit differently.  Yes, I wholeheartedly celebrate the joy of being a mom and am grateful for the wonderful mom and mother-in-law God has blessed me with.  But I also remember that for many women who desperately long to become mothers or who have tragically had to say goodbye to their children, this past Sunday was a painful day for them. 

And I'm sorry.  I wish nobody had to go through that. 

I also know that it was a bittersweet day for many of my friends who have had to say goodbye to their dear mothers. 

My Prayer...
...for those who wait: may God continue to give you patience, courage, and strength for the journey.

...for those whose loved ones have gone ahead: may God bless you with good memories today and a hope of a glorious reunion in Heaven someday.

...for us all:  may we be ever-mindful of and thankful for the hope we have in Jesus Christ. 

For it is because of Him that we can hope at all.

Life Lessons

Every once in awhile God hits me over the head with something.

I mean this in a good way.

Sometimes I think when God is trying to teach me something, He brings it to my attention in numerous ways over a short period of time.  And over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about trust.  When life is going along smoothly, it's easy to trust that God is good.  But when I'm handed a challenge or experience a disappointment, it's suddenly a lot harder to trust that God has a good plan for me.  I mean, I know it to be true  and desire it with all my heart, and yet the doubts and fears are still there.  There were some days in the last few weeks where I had to surrender and re-surrender my worries for the future.  It's a struggle.  I was feeling discouraged and wondered what exactly God has planned for my life.  It's funny in some ways, because in the past few months I've had lots of opportunities to encourage a few dear friends as I walked alongside of them during dark times.  And yet when the pain, disappointment and fear become personal, it almost felt like there was a disconnect between what I knew in my head to be true and the emotions of my heart.  I've struggled to loosen my grip of control on my life and eventually even have to admit that I am not in control at all.

It's hard to learn those kind of lessons.  It can be painful to be stretched.  Sometimes these lessons need to be learned over and over.

But.

This past week I caught up with a friend over the phone.  She asked how I was doing, and I could honestly say that I was doing well.  I was feeling at peace.  And it felt good to say that and mean it.  I'm feeling excited about the ways God is molding and shaping me in this time of waiting.  Maybe God is using all of this wrestling to produce some inner strength. 

Then the next day I went to my Christian mom's group, and what did the lesson that day happen to be about?  You guessed it: Trust.  Our lesson was called "The Joy of Trust," and I honestly felt like it had been planned just for me.

And you know what?

It felt so good to have all of the things I'd been wrestling with affirmed.  It was encouraging to have my own thoughts and ideas on trusting God be validated.  And what a blessing to share some of my own mullings on this topic with my sisters in Christ in order that they may be encouraged as well.

I am grateful.   

God doesn't promise that life will be easy.  Or safe.  In fact in John 16:33, Jesus himself gives us these words:
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Yes, we will have trouble.  Pain and heartache are unfortunately a part of this life.  But what God does promise us is that He is bigger than it all.  He has overcome it.  There is hope for the future.  As my mom's group teacher put it, "All goodness is because of Christ."

And He is worthy of our trust.

Perhaps, like me, you feel guilty when worries and fears start to crop up.  I know that I can be tempted to think "If only I were stronger in my faith.  If only I were better at trusting."  Well, here's what I've come to realize:

Sometimes the most trusting thing you can do in that moment is to ask God to help you trust Him more.

I know...in some ways it seems counter-intuitive, right?  After all, we're the ones who are supposed to trust.  We have to keep up our end of the bargain.

But maybe I'm not good enough to muster up the trust on my own.  Maybe I need the work of the Holy Spirit in my life to grow the trust in my heart.  Maybe my job is just to be mold-able, flexible, tender toward God and allow Him to grow me and teach me.

I don't mean this in a passive way.  It is still hard work.  But if I get this "pull myself up by my own bootstraps" mentality, I'm making it all about me.  Again.

I know I won't do this perfectly.  I will surely fail.

It reminds me of the story in the New Testament where a man comes to ask Jesus for a miracle on behalf of his son.  Essentially he says, "Jesus, if you can, please give us a miracle."  And Jesus questions him: "If I can?" to which the man responds, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"

Let me modify those words slightly: "Lord, I trust.  Help my untrust."  I think there are probably many people today who can resonate with those words.  I know I can.

May the Lord give us all the grace we need to be molded and shaped by Him.

Chewing on This Today

Recently I read a book in which the author was discussing the times of darkness in our lives in which it feels like God is so far away.  She took an example from the life of Moses and challenged her readers to take a new perspective on dark, difficult times in life.  In this example taken from Exodus 33, God places Moses in the cleft of a rock as He passes close by.  In that cleft, Moses was protected from the radiance of the Lord - and the author points out that it must have been a dark place.  The author suggests that when life seems to be at it's darkest, it is not because God is absent or far away, but instead those dark times are when God is nearest. 

Could it be that that when I am experiencing darkness, it is becaue God has come near and His presence is closer than ever?   

What Now?

We met with our RE this past Thursday.  I didn't know what to expect, but my prayer was that God would use this appointment to give us direction and clarification on where He is leading us.  Overall the appointment went well.

Our doctor said that he and his team reviewed our failed IVF cycle from last month, and there were a few things that stuck out to him.  First, he felt in retrospect that he should have pushed me further with the follicle stimulation.  This has always been my problem...for some reason, it takes my body longer to respond to the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone, aka "egg growers").  Even when my follicles look good, we haven't had a ton of success in getting nice, big, mature eggs for fertilization.  Since I haven't been in any danger of ovarian hyperstimulation, he feels that it would really benefit me to stay on the FSH longer than the average patient.  We had planned to do that this past cycle, but he admits that in retrospect it wasn't enough, and we need to go even longer yet. 

Second, the retrieval this past cycle was awful.  Really, there are no words.  If anyone is looking for an inventive way to torture information out of someone, this would totally work.  We don't know why this cycle was so much more painful for me (agonizing, really), but in the end our doctor felt that he had to discontinue the retrieval before he had gotten the last of the eggs.  They were difficult to reach, and he didn't feel that he should go on given my level of pain.  There's no telling whether or not those eggs would have been mature enough to fertilize, but it was disappointing to not have been able to retrieve everything.  If we were to go forward with another cycle of IVF, our doctor recommended that I be put under general anesthesia for the retrieval.  Not only would it protect me from the trauma of the retrieval, but it would allow him to do his job better as well.

Finally, he offered us a discount if we decided to try another cycle of IVF.  We are humbled and blessed.  Have I mentioned what an amazing doctor we have?  What a wonderful, compassionate, Christian man he is.  I am so thankful that this man shares our faith and views his job as a ministry to couples trying to grow their families.  Thank you, God, for the gift of doctors who we trust.

So, I'm not totally sure where we'll go from here.  We have decided to take a few months to really think and pray about our next steps.  Should we decide to go forward with IVF, this will also give us time to put aside a little money and to also focus on getting ourselves a bit more healthy so that we are giving ourselves the best possible chances.  (And after a difficult, depressing past two months with little energy or motivation for exercise, we have let ourselves turn into soft, gooey blobs.  This will be a great opportunity to get back on track!)  Plus, we have travel plans every month for the next three months.  While the waiting is hard (every woman struggling with IF understands the nagging feeling of fighting against the constant ticking of the good ol' biological clock!), and of course we could change our travel plans, it really seems like taking this time is best for us right now.

Currently I am reading a book (more on this later) on one woman's journey through adoption.  It has surprised me how many parallels there are between my journey with IF and hers with adoption, especially the experiences of emotion.  The author shares how difficult it is waiting for her beloved son to be released from his orphanage in Vietnam and how helpless she feels half a world away.  She reflects on how she spent her time as she waited for her child.  Was she fretful?  Fearful?  Lacking in faith?  Or did she persevere in prayer and allow God to grow her faith during this difficult time of waiting?  Was she passive in her waiting - just biding time until this period of discomfort was over?  Or did she actively seek the Lord, surrender herself to Him, and allow God to use this time to strengthen her faith?

It has given me some good perspective on how I want to wait as well.  Waiting is not easy, and I know that I won't do it perfectly, without fear or worry.  But I do know that my new prayer will be for God to use this time of waiting to shape me, mold me, prepare me, and grow me for whatever He has for me in the days, weeks, months, and years to come.

Looking Back - Retiring (April 30, 2012)

Note: This is the last of the posts written pre-blog.

Just got a letter in the mail from Dr. L, our beloved OB/GYN who delivered our boy, informing us that he is retiring in June.  I can’t help but selfishly think about the miscarriage (due to nonviable embryo) back in September.  It makes me sad to think that we could have spent the last nine months enjoying one more pregnancy with Dr. L.  I would have delivered in April.  I have always hoped that I would have one more baby with Dr. L.  It’s funny what makes me grieve these days; I am seriously in tears over this.  Anyone reading this probably thinks I am totally losing my mind (or being a total baby), and my IF friends are probably thinking how blessed I am to have needed an OB in the first place – and believe me, I know - but I guess in some way it just makes me feel like one more thing is being stripped away in this season of disappointment.

Stupid infertility.

On a brighter note, I think we mourn more greatly when lose something that has represented God's goodness and blessings to us.  And in light of the title of this blog, I want to choose to see God's good work in my life.  I am so blessed that I was able to be under the care of Dr. L., and I will forever be grateful that he helped bring my sweet boy into this world.  This amazing man has devoted a lifetime to helping babies make their debut into the world.  He is a wonderful Christian doctor who walked alongside of us, prayed with us, and cared for us during our pregnancy.  Every time we saw our baby on the ultrasound screen, I think Dr. L delighted in it nearly as much as we did.  I am beyond thankful for his compassion, caring heart, wisdom, and expertise.  Even though I am sad that he will never deliver any more of my babies, I know how much he deserves this special time of retirement, and I pray that it will be a blessed season of life for him.  He is truly a rare treasure and certainly evidence of God's goodness in this crazy journey.

Looking Back - Interesting Article (April 30, 2012)

A friend of mine posted this on fa.ce.bo.ok. the other day, and I found that, while not all of it, much of it resonated with me. 

Check it out:

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Looking Back - Reflecting and Remembering (April 30, 2012)

Today I was reflecting on our journey with infertility.  Once in awhile, God gives us glimpses into His timing; this often happens when one looks back on his/her life and sees with new perspective how God was working in a situation.  I was remembering back to a time early in our journey – it was the 2006-2007 school year.  This was the year that the Mr. and I had decided the timing was right to start our family – he was finishing up his PhD, we had bought a house…the timing just felt right.  So we started trying that fall, thinking that this would be my last year of teaching before staying home fulltime with our little bean.  Obviously, things didn’t go as we had hoped or planned, and I didn’t get pregnant that school year.  As we were entering into the world of infertility, I found myself asking, “Why God?  What is Your plan here???”  None of it made sense. 

I finished up that school year and signed on for another…one that I hadn’t anticipated teaching.  I absolutely loved that class – they were sweet and loving and so good for my aching soul.  And then that next spring, something unthinkable happened.  The mother of one of my students passed away unexpectedly.  It was horrible and sad, and I wish it hadn’t happened.  But God allowed me the honor of walking alongside my student and her family during the darkest time in her young life…in a way that would have been impossible had I been preoccupied with a newborn of my own. 

That summer I felt the Lord’s calling to offer free childcare to this hurting family.  So once a week for the entire summer I took them on outings, braided hair, painted fingernails, gave out hugs, played games, read them stories, did science experiments, and just loved on those precious girls who so desperately needed a woman’s loving touch in their lives. 

The next year the younger sister was in my class, and since the Mr. and I were still wading through the murky waters of infertility, I continued to teach.  What a privilege to continue walking the road of grief with this dear family, and I knew, even then, that this was God’s plan for me.  Of course, I would have loved to have a baby.  And yes, another teacher would certainly have been able to help this family.  Even better yet, why couldn’t we all have simply had what we wanted – a mother for those girls and a child for me?  But that wasn’t God’s plan, and by His grace, I was able to see how He was redeeming my struggle with infertility by allowing me to be a blessing and to receive blessings in return.

Now, I firmly believe that God is in the business of redeeming the crap in our lives for good and for His glory.  I’m not saying that He gave me infertility, but I do think that, for whatever reason, He has allowed it to happen and has used it (and continues to redeem it) for His good.  I’d be lying if I told you that having this epiphany about God’s timing totally negated the pain of infertility.  And yes, wouldn’t it be nice if we could learn this big life lessons in much less painful ways?  But it did help to see how He was working, in spite of all of the hardship I faced personally in those years.         

I just ran into that sweet family two weeks ago.  The girls are in middle school and doing so well.  The older girl nearly looks me in the eye; they are growing up into beautiful young ladies.  Even though we don’t see each other very often these days, my heart swells with pride and tenderness when they wrap their arms around me in a hug.  I thank God for the good work He has done and continues to do in all of our lives.

God, may you give me eyes to see Your goodness.

Looking Back - Still Here (April 30, 2012)

I’ve been MIA from the blogosphere this past week, but the truth is that there’s nothing much to report.  Life has been crazy busy around here as April is one of the Mr.’s most jammed-packed months, work wise. The boy and I tagged along on a conference that the Mr. presented at this past weekend.  We hit up the indoor water park, which was a blast.  I’ve had my own commitments and have been flying solo a bit more often on the parenting front, but the month of May should be much more relaxed.  I don’t know if all this busy-ness is good or bad for me.  On one hand, I have appreciated the distractions…it keeps my mind off my pain and discouragement.  On the other hand, I don’t know how well we are facing the realities of this failed IVF cycle.  We have some pretty major decisions to make in the next few weeks and months, but we are trying not to rush anything.  We have an appointment with our specialist on Thursday, and then we’ll go from there, I guess.  I really don’t know what that appointment holds for us, but I think it will be good to just explore our options.

Overall, we are hanging in there.  There are moments when the sadness hits, but I am not hopeless.  Feeling thankful today that my God is a God of Hope.

Looking Back - Expanding Vocabulary! (April 20, 2012)

To commemorate his 2nd birthday, here is a list of the boy’s favorite words:

“Ahh”  (cawing sound = bird)

All Done

Amen

Apple

Ball

Ball(oon)

Beebo (belly button - Sandra Boynton, anyone?)  

Beep (also used for Keys)

Bye-bye

Daddy

Darts

Double (W)

Duck

Elmo

Emmy (Emily)

Ernie (pronounced "Urna")

Grumba (Grandma)

Happy

Hi

Hot

In

I need

Jesus (also used for Music)

Kitty

Lawnmower

Meow

Mine

Mommy

Moo

More

Nana

No

Oatmeal

Off

Oh, no!

On

Out

Papa

Pee-pee

Poo-poo

Pop-pop (Grandpop)

Puppy

Purple

Star

Thank You

Turtle

Up

Water (wa-wa)

Wee-Yoo (firetruck)

Uh-Oh

Um

Yeah

Yee-haw

Looking Back - Birthday (April 20, 2012)

My sweet firstborn son, I cannot believe that you are turning two.  This past year has gone breath-takingly fast, and from what everyone tells me, the ride only speeds up from here!  Your birthday actually feels somewhat bittersweet to me; this past year of your life has been filled with so much fun, so much laughter, so much joy in watching you grow and learn that I am sad to see it come to a close.  And yet, I know that God has so much good in store for us yet, that I have to trust that it is only going to get better and better as the years go by.  I must admit, though, that I always get a little sad when I put away the clothes you’ve outgrown, knowing that you’ll never be this small again.  In just a few short years, you’ll outgrow my lap and before I know it, you’ll probably be tall enough to look me in the eye and I’ll wonder where my little boy has gone.  I’m glad that you’re going to stay little for just a bit longer, even if you are a “big boy.”  

What a year it’s been!  This year you grew from a baby to a big boy.  This year you learned to walk.  Quickly that walking became running.  At full speed.  Sometimes after the kitty.  But you are becoming gentler too.  Kitty doesn’t run the other direction the minute you enter the room anymore. 

You are learning to talk.  I love hearing your words, even “No!” which I’ve been hearing more and more lately.  I love that you have an opinion, and yet most of the time you are happy and agreeable. 

You amaze me with the connections you make.  You continue to point out Nana’s favorite brand of yogurt at the grocery store after she shared with you one morning.  Every time we pass by the neighbor’s house, you shout, “Ball!” remembering the time we saw their teenage sons outside playing basketball one afternoon.  I hear you say “Balloon” when we drive past Red Robin.  You see trucks of all kinds and say “WeeeYooo,” mimicking the sound of the fire truck you saw in our neighborhood a few months back.  You can do puzzles and sort shapes on your own.  Your vocabulary is expanding daily, and you continue to surprise us with all you understand. 

You are becoming independent.  You happily go to nursery, and you go down to sleep without fussing.  And yet, you still love to climb up into our laps for a cuddle or to read a book.  You give hugs and kisses and high fives, and my heart melts with love when you say “Mommy” and give me an Eskimo kiss.

You like to eat.  You’ll try just about anything and are a healthy eater.  You love your peppers (especially frozen), broccoli, carrots, asparagus, cucs, beans, avocado, and peas, as well as pretty much any kind of fruit.  You enjoy soy “chicken” nuggets, almonds, cashews, soybeans, and scrambled eggs as well as pork tenderloin, steak, and beef roast.  You’re not much of a fan of ground meat and you don’t seem to like potatoes (except for the occasional French fry, which is really more of a vehicle for the ketchup.)  You love milk, yogurt, frozen yogurt, and smoothies.  Pretzels are a favorite snack.  You love your ketchup, and you shocked me the other day by eating a side of black olives at a Mexican restaurant.  You’re a big fan of cheese and whole wheat bread.  You enjoy the occasional treats as well, including ice cream, chocolate, pickles, and tortilla chips.  You’re learning to eat with a fork and spoon.

You love water.  Bath time with Daddy is a favorite activity.  So is walking down the road to throw rocks in the stream (or into the mud puddles along the way).  Just last week, you found a humungous rock on the side of the road, and you were determined to carry it to the water, so you could throw it in.  After a few minutes, though, you were happy to hand it over to Daddy, so he could carry it the rest of the way.

Speaking of Daddy, he is probably your favorite playmate these days.  You get so excited to see his car pull into the driveway at the end of a workday.  You love to play ball, go inside your cardboard house, read books, and play “Up” on the computer with your beloved Daddy.

You love animals, especially kitties and puppies.  You even kiss them in your books.

You are obsessed with Elmo.  Elmo books, toys, video clips…everything Elmo.  You proudly show off your Elmo shoes to anyone who will pay attention! 

You love music!  You call it “Jesus.”  You enjoy listening to CDs and are fascinated by instruments.

Just like Mommy when she was little, you love to play darts!  Every time we see Papa, you beg him to take you down to the basement so that you can play darts together.  You even ask him to play darts when we Skype him!  

You care about others.  Just the other day at Coffee Break, one of the nursery helpers told me how you wanted the last graham cracker, but when you were told that another little girl hadn’t had one, you brought it over to her.  I cannot tell you how my heart swelled with pride upon hearing this, because more than anything, dear Son, I want you to show God’s love to others. 

You exude joy.  Sure, you have your moments of being crabby, but overall you are a very happy boy.  And this makes your Mommy and Daddy happy too.  I love seeing things through your eyes; you make things fun and are our little ray of sunshine.  May you always have a joyful heart for the Lord.

Every night, before I head for bed, I come in your room to peek in on you.  There you are, in your sweet footie pajamas and tousled hair, hugging puppy and sleeping peacefully.  In that quiet moment, I thank God for you and think about how I couldn’t love you more if I tried.  But I remember that God does love you more, and for that I am so grateful.  I pray that you will always know and trust in His love for you.

Happy Birthday, sweet boy.  May this coming year be as wonderful as the last.

Love,

Mommy

Looking Back - Disappointment (Tuesday, April 17, 2012)

It’s the day before my pregnancy test, but it turns out I don’t need a pregnancy test to tell me what I already know: I’m not pregnant.  I started spotting this morning, and very quickly it’s progressing toward looking like a normal period.  I’m heartbroken, to say the least.  Somehow, God gave me the strength to go and teach Bible study this morning.  I held back tears the entire drive to church, but once I got there I was able to get focused on my responsibilities.  In some ways, it was a good distraction, I guess.  But now I’m home.  I fed my boy and put him down for a nap.  I tried to nap myself, and that’s when the sadness and disappointment really hit me.  I realized I wanted to let a few close friends know what was going on, so I composed a quick email to update them.  And then I burst into tears.  Big, fat, sobbing tears that come from the raw, painful, sad, gut-wrenching reality of having a hope and a dream slip through your fingers.  It hurts.  So much.

And then…I honestly don’t think it could have been more than 3 minutes later, my phone rang.  It was my friend – she had literally been about to close out of her email when my message popped up.  How’s that for timing?  So she called immediately.  She spent the next hour and 20 minutes crying with me, listening, processing with me, encouraging me, and even making me laugh.  God knew what I needed in that moment, and he sent my friend as a tangible gift of His comfort.  Friends are God with skin on.

After I got off the phone, I checked my email one more time.  Within 30 minutes of sending my email, all but one of my friends had replied.  I was amazed; I wasn’t sure that I’d hear from anyone right away, considering several of them were teachers and others were busy stay-at-home moms.  And yet, I believe that God prompted them to check their email solely for the purpose of using them to love me and encourage me through today.  One friend has even offered to come by after work so that we can pray together.  Another friend wanted to know if she could bring by a meal.  I am so grateful to have beautiful friends who have walked alongside me on this journey.   

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or what God has in store for our future.  There will be many decisions that we will need to prayerfully make in the weeks and months to come.  But those are for another day.  For today, I am thankful to be surrounded by people who love me, who pray for me and cry with me, who allow me to be real with my feelings, and who listen and offer encouragement as I ask the big questions of life and faith.  Today I will engage in the painful process of grieving a loss.  Today my emotions will swing from overwhelming sadness and grief to moments of peace about the future.  Today I cling to the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 and pray for peace that passes understanding. 

Looking Back - Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying… (Monday, April 16, 2012)

Note: This is the first of a series of posts that I wrote over the past few weeks before actually creating my blog.  I wanted to include them here.

On Wednesday I have my pregnancy test.  Barring some kind of miracle, this very well could be the last pregnancy test I ever take in my life.  That thought makes me sad, because for so long, I dreamed of a house full of children underfoot.  And yet, I trust that God has a good plan for our lives.  After all, he gave me a beautiful son who has blessed my life immeasurably, and I thank God for him every day.  And I know that He could choose to breathe life into the little one within me and bless us with another beautiful child.  We have lifted our baby up in prayer so often over the past week; he or she is never far from my mind.  Over and over I have had to surrender my worry, fears, and control over to the One who is bigger than infertility.  It hasn’t been easy, but I have felt encouraged, loved, and have even had moments of peace over this past week.

But in all honesty, I do have mixed feelings about the test.  On one hand, I don’t think I can wait a minute longer.  Especially if it’s good news.  On the other hand, if the news isn’t so good, then maybe I want to live in blissful ignorance for just a little bit longer.  Because I know that a negative pregnancy test will hurt.  It will be so painful.  Devastating, even.  I will feel hopeless and discouraged.  But I pray that I won’t stay in the pain and hurt and hopelessness for too long.  Yes, I may feel all those things…but my prayer is that God will carry me through it.  That He will encourage my heart and give me eyes to see His goodness all around me.  That He will bless me with a content spirit.  And who knows?  Maybe, just maybe, the opposite will be true: that I will experience overwhelming joy and happiness on Wednesday.  Lord, may it be so. 

Whatever the outcome, I pray that God will use my life for His glory and that He will remind me each day that I can trust Him.  That He is enough.