Looking Back - Disappointment (Tuesday, April 17, 2012)

It’s the day before my pregnancy test, but it turns out I don’t need a pregnancy test to tell me what I already know: I’m not pregnant.  I started spotting this morning, and very quickly it’s progressing toward looking like a normal period.  I’m heartbroken, to say the least.  Somehow, God gave me the strength to go and teach Bible study this morning.  I held back tears the entire drive to church, but once I got there I was able to get focused on my responsibilities.  In some ways, it was a good distraction, I guess.  But now I’m home.  I fed my boy and put him down for a nap.  I tried to nap myself, and that’s when the sadness and disappointment really hit me.  I realized I wanted to let a few close friends know what was going on, so I composed a quick email to update them.  And then I burst into tears.  Big, fat, sobbing tears that come from the raw, painful, sad, gut-wrenching reality of having a hope and a dream slip through your fingers.  It hurts.  So much.

And then…I honestly don’t think it could have been more than 3 minutes later, my phone rang.  It was my friend – she had literally been about to close out of her email when my message popped up.  How’s that for timing?  So she called immediately.  She spent the next hour and 20 minutes crying with me, listening, processing with me, encouraging me, and even making me laugh.  God knew what I needed in that moment, and he sent my friend as a tangible gift of His comfort.  Friends are God with skin on.

After I got off the phone, I checked my email one more time.  Within 30 minutes of sending my email, all but one of my friends had replied.  I was amazed; I wasn’t sure that I’d hear from anyone right away, considering several of them were teachers and others were busy stay-at-home moms.  And yet, I believe that God prompted them to check their email solely for the purpose of using them to love me and encourage me through today.  One friend has even offered to come by after work so that we can pray together.  Another friend wanted to know if she could bring by a meal.  I am so grateful to have beautiful friends who have walked alongside me on this journey.   

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or what God has in store for our future.  There will be many decisions that we will need to prayerfully make in the weeks and months to come.  But those are for another day.  For today, I am thankful to be surrounded by people who love me, who pray for me and cry with me, who allow me to be real with my feelings, and who listen and offer encouragement as I ask the big questions of life and faith.  Today I will engage in the painful process of grieving a loss.  Today my emotions will swing from overwhelming sadness and grief to moments of peace about the future.  Today I cling to the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 and pray for peace that passes understanding.