What Now?

We met with our RE this past Thursday.  I didn't know what to expect, but my prayer was that God would use this appointment to give us direction and clarification on where He is leading us.  Overall the appointment went well.

Our doctor said that he and his team reviewed our failed IVF cycle from last month, and there were a few things that stuck out to him.  First, he felt in retrospect that he should have pushed me further with the follicle stimulation.  This has always been my problem...for some reason, it takes my body longer to respond to the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone, aka "egg growers").  Even when my follicles look good, we haven't had a ton of success in getting nice, big, mature eggs for fertilization.  Since I haven't been in any danger of ovarian hyperstimulation, he feels that it would really benefit me to stay on the FSH longer than the average patient.  We had planned to do that this past cycle, but he admits that in retrospect it wasn't enough, and we need to go even longer yet. 

Second, the retrieval this past cycle was awful.  Really, there are no words.  If anyone is looking for an inventive way to torture information out of someone, this would totally work.  We don't know why this cycle was so much more painful for me (agonizing, really), but in the end our doctor felt that he had to discontinue the retrieval before he had gotten the last of the eggs.  They were difficult to reach, and he didn't feel that he should go on given my level of pain.  There's no telling whether or not those eggs would have been mature enough to fertilize, but it was disappointing to not have been able to retrieve everything.  If we were to go forward with another cycle of IVF, our doctor recommended that I be put under general anesthesia for the retrieval.  Not only would it protect me from the trauma of the retrieval, but it would allow him to do his job better as well.

Finally, he offered us a discount if we decided to try another cycle of IVF.  We are humbled and blessed.  Have I mentioned what an amazing doctor we have?  What a wonderful, compassionate, Christian man he is.  I am so thankful that this man shares our faith and views his job as a ministry to couples trying to grow their families.  Thank you, God, for the gift of doctors who we trust.

So, I'm not totally sure where we'll go from here.  We have decided to take a few months to really think and pray about our next steps.  Should we decide to go forward with IVF, this will also give us time to put aside a little money and to also focus on getting ourselves a bit more healthy so that we are giving ourselves the best possible chances.  (And after a difficult, depressing past two months with little energy or motivation for exercise, we have let ourselves turn into soft, gooey blobs.  This will be a great opportunity to get back on track!)  Plus, we have travel plans every month for the next three months.  While the waiting is hard (every woman struggling with IF understands the nagging feeling of fighting against the constant ticking of the good ol' biological clock!), and of course we could change our travel plans, it really seems like taking this time is best for us right now.

Currently I am reading a book (more on this later) on one woman's journey through adoption.  It has surprised me how many parallels there are between my journey with IF and hers with adoption, especially the experiences of emotion.  The author shares how difficult it is waiting for her beloved son to be released from his orphanage in Vietnam and how helpless she feels half a world away.  She reflects on how she spent her time as she waited for her child.  Was she fretful?  Fearful?  Lacking in faith?  Or did she persevere in prayer and allow God to grow her faith during this difficult time of waiting?  Was she passive in her waiting - just biding time until this period of discomfort was over?  Or did she actively seek the Lord, surrender herself to Him, and allow God to use this time to strengthen her faith?

It has given me some good perspective on how I want to wait as well.  Waiting is not easy, and I know that I won't do it perfectly, without fear or worry.  But I do know that my new prayer will be for God to use this time of waiting to shape me, mold me, prepare me, and grow me for whatever He has for me in the days, weeks, months, and years to come.