Today I was reflecting on our journey with infertility. Once in awhile, God gives us glimpses into
His timing; this often happens when one looks back on his/her life and sees
with new perspective how God was working in a situation. I was remembering back to a time early in
our journey – it was the 2006-2007 school year. This was the year that the Mr. and I had decided the timing was
right to start our family – he was finishing up his PhD, we had bought a
house…the timing just felt right. So we
started trying that fall, thinking that this would be my last year of teaching
before staying home fulltime with our little bean. Obviously, things didn’t go as we had hoped or planned, and I
didn’t get pregnant that school year.
As we were entering into the world of infertility, I found myself
asking, “Why God? What is Your plan
here???” None of it made sense.
I finished up that school year and signed on for another…one
that I hadn’t anticipated teaching. I
absolutely loved that class – they were sweet and loving and so good for my
aching soul. And then that next spring,
something unthinkable happened. The
mother of one of my students passed away unexpectedly. It was horrible and sad, and I wish it
hadn’t happened. But God allowed me the
honor of walking alongside my student and her family during the darkest time in
her young life…in a way that would have been impossible had I been preoccupied
with a newborn of my own.
That summer I felt the Lord’s calling to offer free
childcare to this hurting family. So
once a week for the entire summer I took them on outings, braided hair, painted
fingernails, gave out hugs, played games, read them stories, did science
experiments, and just loved on those precious girls who so desperately needed a
woman’s loving touch in their lives.
The next year the younger sister was in my class, and since
the Mr. and I were still wading through the murky waters of infertility, I
continued to teach. What a privilege to
continue walking the road of grief with this dear family, and I knew, even
then, that this was God’s plan for me.
Of course, I would have loved to have a baby. And yes, another teacher would certainly have been able to help
this family. Even better yet, why
couldn’t we all have simply had what we wanted – a mother for those girls and a
child for me? But that wasn’t God’s
plan, and by His grace, I was able to see how He was redeeming my struggle with
infertility by allowing me to be a blessing and to receive blessings in return.
Now, I firmly believe that God is in the business of
redeeming the crap in our lives for good and for His glory. I’m not saying that He gave me infertility,
but I do think that, for whatever reason, He has allowed it to happen and has
used it (and continues to redeem it) for His good. I’d be lying if I told you that having this epiphany about God’s
timing totally negated the pain of infertility. And yes, wouldn’t it be nice if we could learn this big life
lessons in much less painful ways? But
it did help to see how He was working, in spite of all of the hardship I faced
personally in those years.
I just ran into that sweet family two weeks ago. The girls are in middle school and doing so
well. The older girl nearly looks me in
the eye; they are growing up into beautiful young ladies. Even though we don’t see each other very
often these days, my heart swells with pride and tenderness when they wrap
their arms around me in a hug. I thank
God for the good work He has done and continues to do in all of our lives.
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