On Wednesday I have my pregnancy test. Barring some kind of miracle, this very well
could be the last pregnancy test I ever take in my life. That thought makes me sad, because for so
long, I dreamed of a house full of children underfoot. And yet, I trust that God has a good plan
for our lives. After all, he gave me a
beautiful son who has blessed my life immeasurably, and I thank God for him
every day. And I know that He could
choose to breathe life into the little one within me and bless us with another
beautiful child. We have lifted our
baby up in prayer so often over the past week; he or she is never far from my
mind. Over and over I have had to
surrender my worry, fears, and control over to the One who is bigger than
infertility. It hasn’t been easy, but I
have felt encouraged, loved, and have even had moments of peace over this past
week.
But in all honesty, I do have mixed feelings about the
test. On one hand, I don’t think I can
wait a minute longer. Especially if
it’s good news. On the other hand, if
the news isn’t so good, then maybe I want to live in blissful ignorance for
just a little bit longer. Because I
know that a negative pregnancy test will hurt.
It will be so painful. Devastating,
even. I will feel hopeless and
discouraged. But I pray that I won’t
stay in the pain and hurt and hopelessness for too long. Yes, I may feel all those things…but my
prayer is that God will carry me through it.
That He will encourage my heart and give me eyes to see His goodness all
around me. That He will bless me with a
content spirit. And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, the opposite will be
true: that I will experience overwhelming joy and happiness on Wednesday. Lord, may it be so.
Whatever the outcome, I pray that God will use my life for
His glory and that He will remind me each day that I can trust Him. That He is enough.
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