Hard Truth

Why is it so hard to talk about infertility? 

For me, the details can feel so private and personal that it can be hard to share.  And it's not just my gory details, but also my husband's.  Then there's the fear of gossip; I don't really want people talking about the very private and very personal details of our lives.  There's the shame...people making assumptions that there is something wrong with me when there isn't.

The list goes on.

For me, there's also the guilt. Sometimes it's a challenge for me to admit that this is hard...and not what I hoped for or dreamed of when I thought about having babies.  It's not hard in a daily, constantly-consuming-my-life kind of way...but there are definitely moments when it is just plain hard.  In those moments, I almost feel guilty for saying it, because I don't want to sound ungrateful for all the wonderful blessings in my life.  I don't want God or others to think I'm so focused on having a baby that I'm missing all of the wonderful gifts in my life.

I get that perspective is good...if I put all my focus and energy into having another baby, if I make that my prize, if that's my source of happiness and joy, then I'm bound to lose sight of all of the goodness around me.  I am positive and joyful by nature, and for the most part I think I do a good job on focusing on the blessings and not on the fear or disappointments or pain in life.  But sometimes I think I don't give myself permission to just be real when something is hard.

Sometimes perspective gets me in trouble.  I'll find myself minimizing my own struggles, because there's always someone out there that's got it much worse.  Which is true.  Everyone goes through difficult times at some point or another in their life.  That's true too.  And yet, the disappointments, fears, and pain that I have experienced are real and true, and it's okay for me to grieve that as well, without comparing my story to someone else's.  

It's good for me to be open and honest and vulnerable and transparent.  I know, I know...the irony that this blog is anonymous isn't lost on me.  :)  But blogging about this journey has been so good for me.  Just writing about it has helped me become more comfortable with sharing my story.  It's all about baby steps, y'all. 

When my friends and I got together last week for our little birthday celebration, we got onto the topic of God's will.  I was sharing that it can be difficult to know how to pray...we would love another baby, and yet I don't know if that's God's will for my life.  And I want to petition for this baby without worrying that God will find me greedy or ungrateful for all that we've already been blessed with.  One of my friends responded, "You know, part of God's will for you is that you be honest with Him." 

I think sometimes I'm afraid that if I express my worries and fears to God, it's a sign that I'm not trusting enough.  That if this all works out in the end and I'm lucky enough to have another baby, then God will be justified in saying, "See, I told you that it would all work out.  And you didn't trust me.  You were worried for nothing."

While it's true that I don't want to waste time worrying over something I can't control, and I know that God is worthy of my trust, I was reminded that it is okay to just bring it all to God.  I don't need to take my thoughts and feelings, sort it all out, neatly package it, and present it in an organized manner to God.  I can be real with Him and trust that He knows my heart.  He is, after all, the One to gave me a capacity to love and a desire for more children.  There's nothing selfish about that.