Update

Well, I did it.

On Monday I took the plunge and set up a consultation with my fertility specialist.  Our summer of waiting is over, and the Mr. and I have decided on our next steps.  It looks like we're going to give good ol' IVF another try.

Are we crazy?  Maybe.  (Probably!)  The process of IVF is incredibly draining - physically, emotionally, financially.  We've been burned by this process more than I would like to admit.  And yet, we have been profoundly BLESSED through this process as well, and I suppose that's what is bringing us back to it again: the hope the God might choose to use this process to bless us once again.

I feel incredibly grateful that the Mr. and I are on the same page with all of this.  We sort of came to our own conclusions independently of each other, and so when we talked about our next steps, it was easy.  That's sort of how it's been for us all along this journey, and for that I am so thankful, because I know how much stress and strain infertility can put on a couple.  Yes, there are times when the stress has brought the ugly out of us, but overall I do thank God that this journey - with all of its ups and downs - has served to make us stronger as a couple, rather than tearing us apart.

It's funny.  After our summer of waiting and then making our decision on where we felt God was leading us, you'd think I'd be chomping at the bit to get this process going.  But instead, I found myself dragging my feet a little these past few weeks to make the call.  I was a little surprised at myself, but here's the thing: right now I have hope.  And as exciting as it is to think about the possibility of getting pregnant and having another baby, part of me is scared because I know how quickly this entire process can come to a screeching halt.  I'm scared that a door might get slammed closed and that we might have to come to terms with the fact that we might never have another biological child.

Let me clarify.  If we get to that point, I know that we'll be incredibly disappointed, but I also trust that if God leads us to it, He'll lead us through it.  I believe that He can use that disappointment to grow us, mold us, shape us.  But that doesn't mean that it won't be a painful process.

I trust...but it's still scary.

This summer was so good.  The waiting was good.  When friends asked me how I was doing, I could honestly say that I had complete peace with our decision to take time off from everything.  All of the benefits of waiting far surpassed the discomfort and pressure of time passing us by - that all women who deal with IF know all too well.

On one hand I wish that life circumstances were different, and we didn't have to consider facing another round of IVF, and yet on the other, I am incredibly grateful that we even have the option of doing IVF at all.  

Most of all, I pray that God will be glorified in and through this process, whatever the outcome.  May He give me eyes to see His goodness and to live joyfully in the midst of stress or hardship or struggle.  As much as I hope for the desires of my heart, may I trust in God's good plan for my life, no matter how that plays out in the months and years ahead.