Family Time

I'm getting excited to head out this week on a little road-trip to visit family in Omaha.

Nebraska, y'all.

I know what you're thinking: it's not the most luxurious vacation destination, right?  But I'm telling you: it's going to be a blast.

We're going to visit my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and their kids.  I'm excited to see everyone and for the kids to all get to know each other a bit better.  Now that my boy is two, I'm thinking he'll better understand that these people are special - part of his family.  We show him pictures of everyone and work on names, but it will be fun to actually have some time together.

Pray that we all survive the 12-hour drive.

And this is just a warm-up for our big family get together in July!

That's right...
All five families.
That's nineteen of us. 
In a house on a lake. 
With six bedrooms. 
And six bathrooms. 
But only one kitchen. 
And one fridge. 

Should be an adventure!!!

I love my family.

Mother's Day Reflection

I enjoyed a wonderful Mother's Day weekend with my husband and my sweet boy.  We didn't do anything extravagant, but honestly my favorite thing is just being with the two of them (and it didn't hurt that the Mr. did the cooking!).

I think because of my journey with IF, though, I'll always view Mother's Day a bit differently.  Yes, I wholeheartedly celebrate the joy of being a mom and am grateful for the wonderful mom and mother-in-law God has blessed me with.  But I also remember that for many women who desperately long to become mothers or who have tragically had to say goodbye to their children, this past Sunday was a painful day for them. 

And I'm sorry.  I wish nobody had to go through that. 

I also know that it was a bittersweet day for many of my friends who have had to say goodbye to their dear mothers. 

My Prayer...
...for those who wait: may God continue to give you patience, courage, and strength for the journey.

...for those whose loved ones have gone ahead: may God bless you with good memories today and a hope of a glorious reunion in Heaven someday.

...for us all:  may we be ever-mindful of and thankful for the hope we have in Jesus Christ. 

For it is because of Him that we can hope at all.

Life Lessons

Every once in awhile God hits me over the head with something.

I mean this in a good way.

Sometimes I think when God is trying to teach me something, He brings it to my attention in numerous ways over a short period of time.  And over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about trust.  When life is going along smoothly, it's easy to trust that God is good.  But when I'm handed a challenge or experience a disappointment, it's suddenly a lot harder to trust that God has a good plan for me.  I mean, I know it to be true  and desire it with all my heart, and yet the doubts and fears are still there.  There were some days in the last few weeks where I had to surrender and re-surrender my worries for the future.  It's a struggle.  I was feeling discouraged and wondered what exactly God has planned for my life.  It's funny in some ways, because in the past few months I've had lots of opportunities to encourage a few dear friends as I walked alongside of them during dark times.  And yet when the pain, disappointment and fear become personal, it almost felt like there was a disconnect between what I knew in my head to be true and the emotions of my heart.  I've struggled to loosen my grip of control on my life and eventually even have to admit that I am not in control at all.

It's hard to learn those kind of lessons.  It can be painful to be stretched.  Sometimes these lessons need to be learned over and over.

But.

This past week I caught up with a friend over the phone.  She asked how I was doing, and I could honestly say that I was doing well.  I was feeling at peace.  And it felt good to say that and mean it.  I'm feeling excited about the ways God is molding and shaping me in this time of waiting.  Maybe God is using all of this wrestling to produce some inner strength. 

Then the next day I went to my Christian mom's group, and what did the lesson that day happen to be about?  You guessed it: Trust.  Our lesson was called "The Joy of Trust," and I honestly felt like it had been planned just for me.

And you know what?

It felt so good to have all of the things I'd been wrestling with affirmed.  It was encouraging to have my own thoughts and ideas on trusting God be validated.  And what a blessing to share some of my own mullings on this topic with my sisters in Christ in order that they may be encouraged as well.

I am grateful.   

God doesn't promise that life will be easy.  Or safe.  In fact in John 16:33, Jesus himself gives us these words:
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Yes, we will have trouble.  Pain and heartache are unfortunately a part of this life.  But what God does promise us is that He is bigger than it all.  He has overcome it.  There is hope for the future.  As my mom's group teacher put it, "All goodness is because of Christ."

And He is worthy of our trust.

Perhaps, like me, you feel guilty when worries and fears start to crop up.  I know that I can be tempted to think "If only I were stronger in my faith.  If only I were better at trusting."  Well, here's what I've come to realize:

Sometimes the most trusting thing you can do in that moment is to ask God to help you trust Him more.

I know...in some ways it seems counter-intuitive, right?  After all, we're the ones who are supposed to trust.  We have to keep up our end of the bargain.

But maybe I'm not good enough to muster up the trust on my own.  Maybe I need the work of the Holy Spirit in my life to grow the trust in my heart.  Maybe my job is just to be mold-able, flexible, tender toward God and allow Him to grow me and teach me.

I don't mean this in a passive way.  It is still hard work.  But if I get this "pull myself up by my own bootstraps" mentality, I'm making it all about me.  Again.

I know I won't do this perfectly.  I will surely fail.

It reminds me of the story in the New Testament where a man comes to ask Jesus for a miracle on behalf of his son.  Essentially he says, "Jesus, if you can, please give us a miracle."  And Jesus questions him: "If I can?" to which the man responds, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"

Let me modify those words slightly: "Lord, I trust.  Help my untrust."  I think there are probably many people today who can resonate with those words.  I know I can.

May the Lord give us all the grace we need to be molded and shaped by Him.

Chewing on This Today

Recently I read a book in which the author was discussing the times of darkness in our lives in which it feels like God is so far away.  She took an example from the life of Moses and challenged her readers to take a new perspective on dark, difficult times in life.  In this example taken from Exodus 33, God places Moses in the cleft of a rock as He passes close by.  In that cleft, Moses was protected from the radiance of the Lord - and the author points out that it must have been a dark place.  The author suggests that when life seems to be at it's darkest, it is not because God is absent or far away, but instead those dark times are when God is nearest. 

Could it be that that when I am experiencing darkness, it is becaue God has come near and His presence is closer than ever?   

What Now?

We met with our RE this past Thursday.  I didn't know what to expect, but my prayer was that God would use this appointment to give us direction and clarification on where He is leading us.  Overall the appointment went well.

Our doctor said that he and his team reviewed our failed IVF cycle from last month, and there were a few things that stuck out to him.  First, he felt in retrospect that he should have pushed me further with the follicle stimulation.  This has always been my problem...for some reason, it takes my body longer to respond to the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone, aka "egg growers").  Even when my follicles look good, we haven't had a ton of success in getting nice, big, mature eggs for fertilization.  Since I haven't been in any danger of ovarian hyperstimulation, he feels that it would really benefit me to stay on the FSH longer than the average patient.  We had planned to do that this past cycle, but he admits that in retrospect it wasn't enough, and we need to go even longer yet. 

Second, the retrieval this past cycle was awful.  Really, there are no words.  If anyone is looking for an inventive way to torture information out of someone, this would totally work.  We don't know why this cycle was so much more painful for me (agonizing, really), but in the end our doctor felt that he had to discontinue the retrieval before he had gotten the last of the eggs.  They were difficult to reach, and he didn't feel that he should go on given my level of pain.  There's no telling whether or not those eggs would have been mature enough to fertilize, but it was disappointing to not have been able to retrieve everything.  If we were to go forward with another cycle of IVF, our doctor recommended that I be put under general anesthesia for the retrieval.  Not only would it protect me from the trauma of the retrieval, but it would allow him to do his job better as well.

Finally, he offered us a discount if we decided to try another cycle of IVF.  We are humbled and blessed.  Have I mentioned what an amazing doctor we have?  What a wonderful, compassionate, Christian man he is.  I am so thankful that this man shares our faith and views his job as a ministry to couples trying to grow their families.  Thank you, God, for the gift of doctors who we trust.

So, I'm not totally sure where we'll go from here.  We have decided to take a few months to really think and pray about our next steps.  Should we decide to go forward with IVF, this will also give us time to put aside a little money and to also focus on getting ourselves a bit more healthy so that we are giving ourselves the best possible chances.  (And after a difficult, depressing past two months with little energy or motivation for exercise, we have let ourselves turn into soft, gooey blobs.  This will be a great opportunity to get back on track!)  Plus, we have travel plans every month for the next three months.  While the waiting is hard (every woman struggling with IF understands the nagging feeling of fighting against the constant ticking of the good ol' biological clock!), and of course we could change our travel plans, it really seems like taking this time is best for us right now.

Currently I am reading a book (more on this later) on one woman's journey through adoption.  It has surprised me how many parallels there are between my journey with IF and hers with adoption, especially the experiences of emotion.  The author shares how difficult it is waiting for her beloved son to be released from his orphanage in Vietnam and how helpless she feels half a world away.  She reflects on how she spent her time as she waited for her child.  Was she fretful?  Fearful?  Lacking in faith?  Or did she persevere in prayer and allow God to grow her faith during this difficult time of waiting?  Was she passive in her waiting - just biding time until this period of discomfort was over?  Or did she actively seek the Lord, surrender herself to Him, and allow God to use this time to strengthen her faith?

It has given me some good perspective on how I want to wait as well.  Waiting is not easy, and I know that I won't do it perfectly, without fear or worry.  But I do know that my new prayer will be for God to use this time of waiting to shape me, mold me, prepare me, and grow me for whatever He has for me in the days, weeks, months, and years to come.

Looking Back - Retiring (April 30, 2012)

Note: This is the last of the posts written pre-blog.

Just got a letter in the mail from Dr. L, our beloved OB/GYN who delivered our boy, informing us that he is retiring in June.  I can’t help but selfishly think about the miscarriage (due to nonviable embryo) back in September.  It makes me sad to think that we could have spent the last nine months enjoying one more pregnancy with Dr. L.  I would have delivered in April.  I have always hoped that I would have one more baby with Dr. L.  It’s funny what makes me grieve these days; I am seriously in tears over this.  Anyone reading this probably thinks I am totally losing my mind (or being a total baby), and my IF friends are probably thinking how blessed I am to have needed an OB in the first place – and believe me, I know - but I guess in some way it just makes me feel like one more thing is being stripped away in this season of disappointment.

Stupid infertility.

On a brighter note, I think we mourn more greatly when lose something that has represented God's goodness and blessings to us.  And in light of the title of this blog, I want to choose to see God's good work in my life.  I am so blessed that I was able to be under the care of Dr. L., and I will forever be grateful that he helped bring my sweet boy into this world.  This amazing man has devoted a lifetime to helping babies make their debut into the world.  He is a wonderful Christian doctor who walked alongside of us, prayed with us, and cared for us during our pregnancy.  Every time we saw our baby on the ultrasound screen, I think Dr. L delighted in it nearly as much as we did.  I am beyond thankful for his compassion, caring heart, wisdom, and expertise.  Even though I am sad that he will never deliver any more of my babies, I know how much he deserves this special time of retirement, and I pray that it will be a blessed season of life for him.  He is truly a rare treasure and certainly evidence of God's goodness in this crazy journey.

Looking Back - Interesting Article (April 30, 2012)

A friend of mine posted this on fa.ce.bo.ok. the other day, and I found that, while not all of it, much of it resonated with me. 

Check it out:

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Looking Back - Reflecting and Remembering (April 30, 2012)

Today I was reflecting on our journey with infertility.  Once in awhile, God gives us glimpses into His timing; this often happens when one looks back on his/her life and sees with new perspective how God was working in a situation.  I was remembering back to a time early in our journey – it was the 2006-2007 school year.  This was the year that the Mr. and I had decided the timing was right to start our family – he was finishing up his PhD, we had bought a house…the timing just felt right.  So we started trying that fall, thinking that this would be my last year of teaching before staying home fulltime with our little bean.  Obviously, things didn’t go as we had hoped or planned, and I didn’t get pregnant that school year.  As we were entering into the world of infertility, I found myself asking, “Why God?  What is Your plan here???”  None of it made sense. 

I finished up that school year and signed on for another…one that I hadn’t anticipated teaching.  I absolutely loved that class – they were sweet and loving and so good for my aching soul.  And then that next spring, something unthinkable happened.  The mother of one of my students passed away unexpectedly.  It was horrible and sad, and I wish it hadn’t happened.  But God allowed me the honor of walking alongside my student and her family during the darkest time in her young life…in a way that would have been impossible had I been preoccupied with a newborn of my own. 

That summer I felt the Lord’s calling to offer free childcare to this hurting family.  So once a week for the entire summer I took them on outings, braided hair, painted fingernails, gave out hugs, played games, read them stories, did science experiments, and just loved on those precious girls who so desperately needed a woman’s loving touch in their lives. 

The next year the younger sister was in my class, and since the Mr. and I were still wading through the murky waters of infertility, I continued to teach.  What a privilege to continue walking the road of grief with this dear family, and I knew, even then, that this was God’s plan for me.  Of course, I would have loved to have a baby.  And yes, another teacher would certainly have been able to help this family.  Even better yet, why couldn’t we all have simply had what we wanted – a mother for those girls and a child for me?  But that wasn’t God’s plan, and by His grace, I was able to see how He was redeeming my struggle with infertility by allowing me to be a blessing and to receive blessings in return.

Now, I firmly believe that God is in the business of redeeming the crap in our lives for good and for His glory.  I’m not saying that He gave me infertility, but I do think that, for whatever reason, He has allowed it to happen and has used it (and continues to redeem it) for His good.  I’d be lying if I told you that having this epiphany about God’s timing totally negated the pain of infertility.  And yes, wouldn’t it be nice if we could learn this big life lessons in much less painful ways?  But it did help to see how He was working, in spite of all of the hardship I faced personally in those years.         

I just ran into that sweet family two weeks ago.  The girls are in middle school and doing so well.  The older girl nearly looks me in the eye; they are growing up into beautiful young ladies.  Even though we don’t see each other very often these days, my heart swells with pride and tenderness when they wrap their arms around me in a hug.  I thank God for the good work He has done and continues to do in all of our lives.

God, may you give me eyes to see Your goodness.

Looking Back - Still Here (April 30, 2012)

I’ve been MIA from the blogosphere this past week, but the truth is that there’s nothing much to report.  Life has been crazy busy around here as April is one of the Mr.’s most jammed-packed months, work wise. The boy and I tagged along on a conference that the Mr. presented at this past weekend.  We hit up the indoor water park, which was a blast.  I’ve had my own commitments and have been flying solo a bit more often on the parenting front, but the month of May should be much more relaxed.  I don’t know if all this busy-ness is good or bad for me.  On one hand, I have appreciated the distractions…it keeps my mind off my pain and discouragement.  On the other hand, I don’t know how well we are facing the realities of this failed IVF cycle.  We have some pretty major decisions to make in the next few weeks and months, but we are trying not to rush anything.  We have an appointment with our specialist on Thursday, and then we’ll go from there, I guess.  I really don’t know what that appointment holds for us, but I think it will be good to just explore our options.

Overall, we are hanging in there.  There are moments when the sadness hits, but I am not hopeless.  Feeling thankful today that my God is a God of Hope.

Looking Back - Expanding Vocabulary! (April 20, 2012)

To commemorate his 2nd birthday, here is a list of the boy’s favorite words:

“Ahh”  (cawing sound = bird)

All Done

Amen

Apple

Ball

Ball(oon)

Beebo (belly button - Sandra Boynton, anyone?)  

Beep (also used for Keys)

Bye-bye

Daddy

Darts

Double (W)

Duck

Elmo

Emmy (Emily)

Ernie (pronounced "Urna")

Grumba (Grandma)

Happy

Hi

Hot

In

I need

Jesus (also used for Music)

Kitty

Lawnmower

Meow

Mine

Mommy

Moo

More

Nana

No

Oatmeal

Off

Oh, no!

On

Out

Papa

Pee-pee

Poo-poo

Pop-pop (Grandpop)

Puppy

Purple

Star

Thank You

Turtle

Up

Water (wa-wa)

Wee-Yoo (firetruck)

Uh-Oh

Um

Yeah

Yee-haw

Looking Back - Birthday (April 20, 2012)

My sweet firstborn son, I cannot believe that you are turning two.  This past year has gone breath-takingly fast, and from what everyone tells me, the ride only speeds up from here!  Your birthday actually feels somewhat bittersweet to me; this past year of your life has been filled with so much fun, so much laughter, so much joy in watching you grow and learn that I am sad to see it come to a close.  And yet, I know that God has so much good in store for us yet, that I have to trust that it is only going to get better and better as the years go by.  I must admit, though, that I always get a little sad when I put away the clothes you’ve outgrown, knowing that you’ll never be this small again.  In just a few short years, you’ll outgrow my lap and before I know it, you’ll probably be tall enough to look me in the eye and I’ll wonder where my little boy has gone.  I’m glad that you’re going to stay little for just a bit longer, even if you are a “big boy.”  

What a year it’s been!  This year you grew from a baby to a big boy.  This year you learned to walk.  Quickly that walking became running.  At full speed.  Sometimes after the kitty.  But you are becoming gentler too.  Kitty doesn’t run the other direction the minute you enter the room anymore. 

You are learning to talk.  I love hearing your words, even “No!” which I’ve been hearing more and more lately.  I love that you have an opinion, and yet most of the time you are happy and agreeable. 

You amaze me with the connections you make.  You continue to point out Nana’s favorite brand of yogurt at the grocery store after she shared with you one morning.  Every time we pass by the neighbor’s house, you shout, “Ball!” remembering the time we saw their teenage sons outside playing basketball one afternoon.  I hear you say “Balloon” when we drive past Red Robin.  You see trucks of all kinds and say “WeeeYooo,” mimicking the sound of the fire truck you saw in our neighborhood a few months back.  You can do puzzles and sort shapes on your own.  Your vocabulary is expanding daily, and you continue to surprise us with all you understand. 

You are becoming independent.  You happily go to nursery, and you go down to sleep without fussing.  And yet, you still love to climb up into our laps for a cuddle or to read a book.  You give hugs and kisses and high fives, and my heart melts with love when you say “Mommy” and give me an Eskimo kiss.

You like to eat.  You’ll try just about anything and are a healthy eater.  You love your peppers (especially frozen), broccoli, carrots, asparagus, cucs, beans, avocado, and peas, as well as pretty much any kind of fruit.  You enjoy soy “chicken” nuggets, almonds, cashews, soybeans, and scrambled eggs as well as pork tenderloin, steak, and beef roast.  You’re not much of a fan of ground meat and you don’t seem to like potatoes (except for the occasional French fry, which is really more of a vehicle for the ketchup.)  You love milk, yogurt, frozen yogurt, and smoothies.  Pretzels are a favorite snack.  You love your ketchup, and you shocked me the other day by eating a side of black olives at a Mexican restaurant.  You’re a big fan of cheese and whole wheat bread.  You enjoy the occasional treats as well, including ice cream, chocolate, pickles, and tortilla chips.  You’re learning to eat with a fork and spoon.

You love water.  Bath time with Daddy is a favorite activity.  So is walking down the road to throw rocks in the stream (or into the mud puddles along the way).  Just last week, you found a humungous rock on the side of the road, and you were determined to carry it to the water, so you could throw it in.  After a few minutes, though, you were happy to hand it over to Daddy, so he could carry it the rest of the way.

Speaking of Daddy, he is probably your favorite playmate these days.  You get so excited to see his car pull into the driveway at the end of a workday.  You love to play ball, go inside your cardboard house, read books, and play “Up” on the computer with your beloved Daddy.

You love animals, especially kitties and puppies.  You even kiss them in your books.

You are obsessed with Elmo.  Elmo books, toys, video clips…everything Elmo.  You proudly show off your Elmo shoes to anyone who will pay attention! 

You love music!  You call it “Jesus.”  You enjoy listening to CDs and are fascinated by instruments.

Just like Mommy when she was little, you love to play darts!  Every time we see Papa, you beg him to take you down to the basement so that you can play darts together.  You even ask him to play darts when we Skype him!  

You care about others.  Just the other day at Coffee Break, one of the nursery helpers told me how you wanted the last graham cracker, but when you were told that another little girl hadn’t had one, you brought it over to her.  I cannot tell you how my heart swelled with pride upon hearing this, because more than anything, dear Son, I want you to show God’s love to others. 

You exude joy.  Sure, you have your moments of being crabby, but overall you are a very happy boy.  And this makes your Mommy and Daddy happy too.  I love seeing things through your eyes; you make things fun and are our little ray of sunshine.  May you always have a joyful heart for the Lord.

Every night, before I head for bed, I come in your room to peek in on you.  There you are, in your sweet footie pajamas and tousled hair, hugging puppy and sleeping peacefully.  In that quiet moment, I thank God for you and think about how I couldn’t love you more if I tried.  But I remember that God does love you more, and for that I am so grateful.  I pray that you will always know and trust in His love for you.

Happy Birthday, sweet boy.  May this coming year be as wonderful as the last.

Love,

Mommy

Looking Back - Disappointment (Tuesday, April 17, 2012)

It’s the day before my pregnancy test, but it turns out I don’t need a pregnancy test to tell me what I already know: I’m not pregnant.  I started spotting this morning, and very quickly it’s progressing toward looking like a normal period.  I’m heartbroken, to say the least.  Somehow, God gave me the strength to go and teach Bible study this morning.  I held back tears the entire drive to church, but once I got there I was able to get focused on my responsibilities.  In some ways, it was a good distraction, I guess.  But now I’m home.  I fed my boy and put him down for a nap.  I tried to nap myself, and that’s when the sadness and disappointment really hit me.  I realized I wanted to let a few close friends know what was going on, so I composed a quick email to update them.  And then I burst into tears.  Big, fat, sobbing tears that come from the raw, painful, sad, gut-wrenching reality of having a hope and a dream slip through your fingers.  It hurts.  So much.

And then…I honestly don’t think it could have been more than 3 minutes later, my phone rang.  It was my friend – she had literally been about to close out of her email when my message popped up.  How’s that for timing?  So she called immediately.  She spent the next hour and 20 minutes crying with me, listening, processing with me, encouraging me, and even making me laugh.  God knew what I needed in that moment, and he sent my friend as a tangible gift of His comfort.  Friends are God with skin on.

After I got off the phone, I checked my email one more time.  Within 30 minutes of sending my email, all but one of my friends had replied.  I was amazed; I wasn’t sure that I’d hear from anyone right away, considering several of them were teachers and others were busy stay-at-home moms.  And yet, I believe that God prompted them to check their email solely for the purpose of using them to love me and encourage me through today.  One friend has even offered to come by after work so that we can pray together.  Another friend wanted to know if she could bring by a meal.  I am so grateful to have beautiful friends who have walked alongside me on this journey.   

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or what God has in store for our future.  There will be many decisions that we will need to prayerfully make in the weeks and months to come.  But those are for another day.  For today, I am thankful to be surrounded by people who love me, who pray for me and cry with me, who allow me to be real with my feelings, and who listen and offer encouragement as I ask the big questions of life and faith.  Today I will engage in the painful process of grieving a loss.  Today my emotions will swing from overwhelming sadness and grief to moments of peace about the future.  Today I cling to the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 and pray for peace that passes understanding. 

Looking Back - Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying… (Monday, April 16, 2012)

Note: This is the first of a series of posts that I wrote over the past few weeks before actually creating my blog.  I wanted to include them here.

On Wednesday I have my pregnancy test.  Barring some kind of miracle, this very well could be the last pregnancy test I ever take in my life.  That thought makes me sad, because for so long, I dreamed of a house full of children underfoot.  And yet, I trust that God has a good plan for our lives.  After all, he gave me a beautiful son who has blessed my life immeasurably, and I thank God for him every day.  And I know that He could choose to breathe life into the little one within me and bless us with another beautiful child.  We have lifted our baby up in prayer so often over the past week; he or she is never far from my mind.  Over and over I have had to surrender my worry, fears, and control over to the One who is bigger than infertility.  It hasn’t been easy, but I have felt encouraged, loved, and have even had moments of peace over this past week.

But in all honesty, I do have mixed feelings about the test.  On one hand, I don’t think I can wait a minute longer.  Especially if it’s good news.  On the other hand, if the news isn’t so good, then maybe I want to live in blissful ignorance for just a little bit longer.  Because I know that a negative pregnancy test will hurt.  It will be so painful.  Devastating, even.  I will feel hopeless and discouraged.  But I pray that I won’t stay in the pain and hurt and hopelessness for too long.  Yes, I may feel all those things…but my prayer is that God will carry me through it.  That He will encourage my heart and give me eyes to see His goodness all around me.  That He will bless me with a content spirit.  And who knows?  Maybe, just maybe, the opposite will be true: that I will experience overwhelming joy and happiness on Wednesday.  Lord, may it be so. 

Whatever the outcome, I pray that God will use my life for His glory and that He will remind me each day that I can trust Him.  That He is enough.

Who Am I - Top 10

1. I am a beloved child of God.  Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.  
2. I am wife to my husband of nearly 11 years and proud mama to my beautiful 2-year old son.  
3. I am a daughter, sister, and friend.  I am a youth group leader, a softball player, a roller-blader, and a bicyclist (for recreation).
4. I am 32 years old.
5. I am a semi-retired Christian school teacher.  I taught for 9 years before giving birth to my son and deciding to stay home full time.  
6. My journey through infertility started nearly 5 years ago and continues today.
7. I have gone through IVF three times.  I've had three fresh transfers and two FETs (frozen embryo transfers).  Our last cycle of IVF was just this past April, and it was a failed cycle.  We are taking a few months before deciding our next step.
8. I have been pregnant 3 times. 
9. I have given birth once, and besides my wedding day it was the happiest moment of my life.
10. I love, love, love being a mother and will forever be grateful for the gift of my boy.

Vulnerability

For awhile now I have been toying with the idea of starting a blog and have even gone as far as writing a few entries.  But up until now, they haven't made it any further than a folder on my desktop.  Well, that's all about to change.

It's difficult to put myself out there.  I haven't shared my journey through infertility with too many people, and for some reason it's a little scary to do it now, even though for the time being I've decided to keep my blog anonymous.  But I also feel that God might be calling me to share my journey with others.  I have read the blogs of several women who have shared their stories, and I know they have both been a blessing to others and have also been blessed as a result. 

I believe in God's redeeming work in my life, and if in some small way He can use my journey with infertility to bless or encourage someone else or bring glory to His name, then it will make all of this vulnerability worthwhile. 

As for the title of this blog...those who have experienced infertility know that it is a painful, discouraging, difficult road to walk.  There is a temptation to believe that God has abandoned me.  And yet, my prayer through so much of this journey has been that God will give me eyes to see the ways He is working for good despite it all.  That I would see evidence of His redemption.  That He would help me to see His blessings all around me.  That I wouldn't be so focused on my pain, grief, or disappointment that I would miss seeing all of the goodness in my life.  That I would keep my eyes fixed on Jesus.

If you are reading these words, welcome to my blog.  I hope that what you read here will encourage your heart.  It is my prayer that God will give you eyes to see His goodness too.