I had a phone consultation with my fert doc last week Thursday, and it went really well. God continues to open doors for us on this journey. Everything our doctor said affirmed our decision to move forward with IVF next month. I am once again so grateful to have a doctor that I trust; he never pressures, gives wise counsel, and is a godly man and incredibly skilled fertility specialist. We are blessed.
We are going to use the same protocol as last time - an antagonist cycle using Ga.ni.relix (for those of you that it means anything to!), but this time we are really going to push my ovaries further in order to get more mature eggs. Where our doc would usually trigger when a few eggs grow to around 15-17 mm, he wants to push me more to the 22-24 mm range. Multiply thar times the many eggs they hope to grow on each side, and boy am I going to be uncomfortable! But the good news is that I am going to be put under this time around for the retrieval. Last time was pretty traumatic for me, and so I am really relieved to not have to think about going through that again!
He is also going to be adding a growth hormone this time around, which recently has shown to improve egg maturity and embryo quality with no negative side effects. Yay...another drug! (Sarcasm) But seriously, if it improves our chances then I'm all for it.
Meds have been ordered and paid for (OUCH) and will arrive next week. Things are starting to happen! I don't know whether to be anxious or excited or both. The IVF process is incredibly intense emotionally, physically, financially, and yes even spiritually. Right now I think I am feeling a little numb, but I suspect as the time gets closer, all of the emotions will kick in!
IVF is such a crazy process. Anytime someone is blessed with a pregnancy, I know that it is God who is creating that life! And yet, some of us need a little help with producing the right environment for that to happen. I am thankful that God has given us the technology to receive the help we need, as well as doctors with the skills, passion, knowledge and wisdom to help us. It is my prayer that God might use this process to bless us with another baby (or two! Just dreaming...!).
Next week I'll give a more detailed post on the IVF process for those who are interested. Until then, have a good weekend!
Friday, September 28, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Update
Well, I did it.
On Monday I took the plunge and set up a consultation with my fertility specialist. Our summer of waiting is over, and the Mr. and I have decided on our next steps. It looks like we're going to give good ol' IVF another try.
Are we crazy? Maybe. (Probably!) The process of IVF is incredibly draining - physically, emotionally, financially. We've been burned by this process more than I would like to admit. And yet, we have been profoundly BLESSED through this process as well, and I suppose that's what is bringing us back to it again: the hope the God might choose to use this process to bless us once again.
I feel incredibly grateful that the Mr. and I are on the same page with all of this. We sort of came to our own conclusions independently of each other, and so when we talked about our next steps, it was easy. That's sort of how it's been for us all along this journey, and for that I am so thankful, because I know how much stress and strain infertility can put on a couple. Yes, there are times when the stress has brought the ugly out of us, but overall I do thank God that this journey - with all of its ups and downs - has served to make us stronger as a couple, rather than tearing us apart.
It's funny. After our summer of waiting and then making our decision on where we felt God was leading us, you'd think I'd be chomping at the bit to get this process going. But instead, I found myself dragging my feet a little these past few weeks to make the call. I was a little surprised at myself, but here's the thing: right now I have hope. And as exciting as it is to think about the possibility of getting pregnant and having another baby, part of me is scared because I know how quickly this entire process can come to a screeching halt. I'm scared that a door might get slammed closed and that we might have to come to terms with the fact that we might never have another biological child.
Let me clarify. If we get to that point, I know that we'll be incredibly disappointed, but I also trust that if God leads us to it, He'll lead us through it. I believe that He can use that disappointment to grow us, mold us, shape us. But that doesn't mean that it won't be a painful process.
I trust...but it's still scary.
This summer was so good. The waiting was good. When friends asked me how I was doing, I could honestly say that I had complete peace with our decision to take time off from everything. All of the benefits of waiting far surpassed the discomfort and pressure of time passing us by - that all women who deal with IF know all too well.
On one hand I wish that life circumstances were different, and we didn't have to consider facing another round of IVF, and yet on the other, I am incredibly grateful that we even have the option of doing IVF at all.
Most of all, I pray that God will be glorified in and through this process, whatever the outcome. May He give me eyes to see His goodness and to live joyfully in the midst of stress or hardship or struggle. As much as I hope for the desires of my heart, may I trust in God's good plan for my life, no matter how that plays out in the months and years ahead.
On Monday I took the plunge and set up a consultation with my fertility specialist. Our summer of waiting is over, and the Mr. and I have decided on our next steps. It looks like we're going to give good ol' IVF another try.
Are we crazy? Maybe. (Probably!) The process of IVF is incredibly draining - physically, emotionally, financially. We've been burned by this process more than I would like to admit. And yet, we have been profoundly BLESSED through this process as well, and I suppose that's what is bringing us back to it again: the hope the God might choose to use this process to bless us once again.
I feel incredibly grateful that the Mr. and I are on the same page with all of this. We sort of came to our own conclusions independently of each other, and so when we talked about our next steps, it was easy. That's sort of how it's been for us all along this journey, and for that I am so thankful, because I know how much stress and strain infertility can put on a couple. Yes, there are times when the stress has brought the ugly out of us, but overall I do thank God that this journey - with all of its ups and downs - has served to make us stronger as a couple, rather than tearing us apart.
It's funny. After our summer of waiting and then making our decision on where we felt God was leading us, you'd think I'd be chomping at the bit to get this process going. But instead, I found myself dragging my feet a little these past few weeks to make the call. I was a little surprised at myself, but here's the thing: right now I have hope. And as exciting as it is to think about the possibility of getting pregnant and having another baby, part of me is scared because I know how quickly this entire process can come to a screeching halt. I'm scared that a door might get slammed closed and that we might have to come to terms with the fact that we might never have another biological child.
Let me clarify. If we get to that point, I know that we'll be incredibly disappointed, but I also trust that if God leads us to it, He'll lead us through it. I believe that He can use that disappointment to grow us, mold us, shape us. But that doesn't mean that it won't be a painful process.
I trust...but it's still scary.
This summer was so good. The waiting was good. When friends asked me how I was doing, I could honestly say that I had complete peace with our decision to take time off from everything. All of the benefits of waiting far surpassed the discomfort and pressure of time passing us by - that all women who deal with IF know all too well.
On one hand I wish that life circumstances were different, and we didn't have to consider facing another round of IVF, and yet on the other, I am incredibly grateful that we even have the option of doing IVF at all.
Most of all, I pray that God will be glorified in and through this process, whatever the outcome. May He give me eyes to see His goodness and to live joyfully in the midst of stress or hardship or struggle. As much as I hope for the desires of my heart, may I trust in God's good plan for my life, no matter how that plays out in the months and years ahead.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Grateful
It's Back to School Day around here. This is my third September of not returning to school myself as the teacher, and there's still always a little bit of nostalgia around this time of year. After all, for 17 years, I went back to school as a student, and for 9 years beyond that, I went back as a teacher. So this day holds special meaning for me. I've always loved school...as a teacher I looked forward to the year ahead, getting to know my students, and being a part of the school community. It was a blessed season of my life.
I ran into the mom of a former student at the grocery store this morning. She had just come from dropping her kids off, and she asked me the question I hear so often, "So...do you miss teaching?"
I never quite know how to answer that question. On one hand - yes. I miss the people, especially. I miss being a part of the lives of my colleagues and students on a daily basis. But the stronger feeling is no, I don't miss it. Maybe it's because I know that teaching will be there again for me someday. But mostly I think it's because for years I dreamed of having a baby and staying at home. So as much as I love to teach, right now - in this moment - I'm living my dream.
And I couldn't be more happy or grateful.
The icing on the cake? Right now God is bringing into my life some new opportunities for teaching. Not in the same way as before, but in the form of a small group Bible study at church and the possibility of leadership in my moms' group. I feel blessed for the opportunity to grow and use my gifts outside of my role as wife and mother.
Someday, teaching will a part of my professional life again. But for now, I'm content to relish each day that I get to spend teaching my sweet boy. And just as often, I'm the student - learning and growing as a mother. I thank God for that beautiful gift.
I ran into the mom of a former student at the grocery store this morning. She had just come from dropping her kids off, and she asked me the question I hear so often, "So...do you miss teaching?"
I never quite know how to answer that question. On one hand - yes. I miss the people, especially. I miss being a part of the lives of my colleagues and students on a daily basis. But the stronger feeling is no, I don't miss it. Maybe it's because I know that teaching will be there again for me someday. But mostly I think it's because for years I dreamed of having a baby and staying at home. So as much as I love to teach, right now - in this moment - I'm living my dream.
And I couldn't be more happy or grateful.
The icing on the cake? Right now God is bringing into my life some new opportunities for teaching. Not in the same way as before, but in the form of a small group Bible study at church and the possibility of leadership in my moms' group. I feel blessed for the opportunity to grow and use my gifts outside of my role as wife and mother.
Someday, teaching will a part of my professional life again. But for now, I'm content to relish each day that I get to spend teaching my sweet boy. And just as often, I'm the student - learning and growing as a mother. I thank God for that beautiful gift.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Recently Read
Wow.
Recently I finished Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. It is an incredibly powerful book. Mary Beth isn't the most polished writer on the planet, but there's a reason this book was on the NY Times Bestseller list.
In case you don't know her story, let me summarize. Mary Beth is the wife of contemporary Christian music star Steven Curtis Chapman. She and Steven had three biological children before going on to adopt three daughters from China. In 2008, her five year old daughter Maria was accidentally struck by an SUV driven by the Chapman's teenage son. Maria died from her injuries that day.
Mary Beth's writing is honest and transparent. She shares openly about everything: her poor body image as a teenager, her struggle with depression, the challenge of being in the public eye because of her husband's fame, her ongoing battle with grief. And yet, even in her deepest, darkest moments, Mary Beth points her reader back to God.
She admits that more often than not, she finds herself longing for the return of Jesus Christ so that she can hold her sweet daughter in her arms once again...the hope of heaven.
But on those days that she feels on the verge of despair, when fear and doubt and anger and sadness threaten to swallow her whole...it is in those moments that she chooses to SEE how God is working. How He is making all things new. That joys and blessings surround her even in the midst of sorrow and grief. It is in those moments, she shares, that she chooses to believe what she knows to be Truth - truth about God, about life, about herself - even when her broken heart is telling her a different story.
She would be the first one to say that none of it is easy. If she had her way, her daughter would still be here. She and her family wouldn't be carrying this burden of sorrow and grief. But sadly, that's not the reality. And since that's the case, she's determined to SEE how God can be glorified in the midst of such tragedy.
It is a wonderfully inspiring story, especially for anyone who has experienced loss or suffering or pain. I will admit that some nights it was hard to close my eyes after reading, the description of the accident scene and the horrifying emotions that come with experiencing such a loss made me want to run into the other room, grab hold of my boy and never let him go. But Mary Beth's story is so encouraging that it is worth the read.
Recently I finished Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. It is an incredibly powerful book. Mary Beth isn't the most polished writer on the planet, but there's a reason this book was on the NY Times Bestseller list.
In case you don't know her story, let me summarize. Mary Beth is the wife of contemporary Christian music star Steven Curtis Chapman. She and Steven had three biological children before going on to adopt three daughters from China. In 2008, her five year old daughter Maria was accidentally struck by an SUV driven by the Chapman's teenage son. Maria died from her injuries that day.
Mary Beth's writing is honest and transparent. She shares openly about everything: her poor body image as a teenager, her struggle with depression, the challenge of being in the public eye because of her husband's fame, her ongoing battle with grief. And yet, even in her deepest, darkest moments, Mary Beth points her reader back to God.
She admits that more often than not, she finds herself longing for the return of Jesus Christ so that she can hold her sweet daughter in her arms once again...the hope of heaven.
But on those days that she feels on the verge of despair, when fear and doubt and anger and sadness threaten to swallow her whole...it is in those moments that she chooses to SEE how God is working. How He is making all things new. That joys and blessings surround her even in the midst of sorrow and grief. It is in those moments, she shares, that she chooses to believe what she knows to be Truth - truth about God, about life, about herself - even when her broken heart is telling her a different story.
She would be the first one to say that none of it is easy. If she had her way, her daughter would still be here. She and her family wouldn't be carrying this burden of sorrow and grief. But sadly, that's not the reality. And since that's the case, she's determined to SEE how God can be glorified in the midst of such tragedy.
It is a wonderfully inspiring story, especially for anyone who has experienced loss or suffering or pain. I will admit that some nights it was hard to close my eyes after reading, the description of the accident scene and the horrifying emotions that come with experiencing such a loss made me want to run into the other room, grab hold of my boy and never let him go. But Mary Beth's story is so encouraging that it is worth the read.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Sometimes It Just Doesn't Make Sense
Thinking about a fellow IF blogger who's going through her fourth miscarriage. She recently announced her pregnancy, and I was so hoping this was it for her. I can only imagine how heartbroken she is tonight. Why do some people have to go through so much pain and disappointment? I wish I had the words to encourage her. Some things I just don't think we'll understand this side of heaven.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Inspiration
I find Joni Erickson Tada to be one of the most inspirational Christian women in the world today. She has every reason to be bitter, and yet she is joy-filled, encouraging, faithful, and God-honoring. Talk about being graceful and choosing joy in the midst of hardship! Her amazing attitude and strong faith inspire me and humble me all at the same time.
I just saw a link to this on face.book, and I SO want to get my hands on this pamphlet:
God's Hand in Our Hardship:
http://www.joniandfriends.org/store/product/gods-hand-our-hardship/
Looks like an encouraging read!
I just saw a link to this on face.book, and I SO want to get my hands on this pamphlet:
God's Hand in Our Hardship:
http://www.joniandfriends.org/store/product/gods-hand-our-hardship/
Looks like an encouraging read!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Hard Truth
Why is it so hard to talk about infertility?
For me, the details can feel so private and personal that it can be hard to share. And it's not just my gory details, but also my husband's. Then there's the fear of gossip; I don't really want people talking about the very private and very personal details of our lives. There's the shame...people making assumptions that there is something wrong with me when there isn't.
The list goes on.
For me, there's also the guilt. Sometimes it's a challenge for me to admit that this is hard...and not what I hoped for or dreamed of when I thought about having babies. It's not hard in a daily, constantly-consuming-my-life kind of way...but there are definitely moments when it is just plain hard. In those moments, I almost feel guilty for saying it, because I don't want to sound ungrateful for all the wonderful blessings in my life. I don't want God or others to think I'm so focused on having a baby that I'm missing all of the wonderful gifts in my life.
I get that perspective is good...if I put all my focus and energy into having another baby, if I make that my prize, if that's my source of happiness and joy, then I'm bound to lose sight of all of the goodness around me. I am positive and joyful by nature, and for the most part I think I do a good job on focusing on the blessings and not on the fear or disappointments or pain in life. But sometimes I think I don't give myself permission to just be real when something is hard.
Sometimes perspective gets me in trouble. I'll find myself minimizing my own struggles, because there's always someone out there that's got it much worse. Which is true. Everyone goes through difficult times at some point or another in their life. That's true too. And yet, the disappointments, fears, and pain that I have experienced are real and true, and it's okay for me to grieve that as well, without comparing my story to someone else's.
It's good for me to be open and honest and vulnerable and transparent. I know, I know...the irony that this blog is anonymous isn't lost on me. :) But blogging about this journey has been so good for me. Just writing about it has helped me become more comfortable with sharing my story. It's all about baby steps, y'all.
When my friends and I got together last week for our little birthday celebration, we got onto the topic of God's will. I was sharing that it can be difficult to know how to pray...we would love another baby, and yet I don't know if that's God's will for my life. And I want to petition for this baby without worrying that God will find me greedy or ungrateful for all that we've already been blessed with. One of my friends responded, "You know, part of God's will for you is that you be honest with Him."
I think sometimes I'm afraid that if I express my worries and fears to God, it's a sign that I'm not trusting enough. That if this all works out in the end and I'm lucky enough to have another baby, then God will be justified in saying, "See, I told you that it would all work out. And you didn't trust me. You were worried for nothing."
While it's true that I don't want to waste time worrying over something I can't control, and I know that God is worthy of my trust, I was reminded that it is okay to just bring it all to God. I don't need to take my thoughts and feelings, sort it all out, neatly package it, and present it in an organized manner to God. I can be real with Him and trust that He knows my heart. He is, after all, the One to gave me a capacity to love and a desire for more children. There's nothing selfish about that.
For me, the details can feel so private and personal that it can be hard to share. And it's not just my gory details, but also my husband's. Then there's the fear of gossip; I don't really want people talking about the very private and very personal details of our lives. There's the shame...people making assumptions that there is something wrong with me when there isn't.
The list goes on.
For me, there's also the guilt. Sometimes it's a challenge for me to admit that this is hard...and not what I hoped for or dreamed of when I thought about having babies. It's not hard in a daily, constantly-consuming-my-life kind of way...but there are definitely moments when it is just plain hard. In those moments, I almost feel guilty for saying it, because I don't want to sound ungrateful for all the wonderful blessings in my life. I don't want God or others to think I'm so focused on having a baby that I'm missing all of the wonderful gifts in my life.
I get that perspective is good...if I put all my focus and energy into having another baby, if I make that my prize, if that's my source of happiness and joy, then I'm bound to lose sight of all of the goodness around me. I am positive and joyful by nature, and for the most part I think I do a good job on focusing on the blessings and not on the fear or disappointments or pain in life. But sometimes I think I don't give myself permission to just be real when something is hard.
Sometimes perspective gets me in trouble. I'll find myself minimizing my own struggles, because there's always someone out there that's got it much worse. Which is true. Everyone goes through difficult times at some point or another in their life. That's true too. And yet, the disappointments, fears, and pain that I have experienced are real and true, and it's okay for me to grieve that as well, without comparing my story to someone else's.
It's good for me to be open and honest and vulnerable and transparent. I know, I know...the irony that this blog is anonymous isn't lost on me. :) But blogging about this journey has been so good for me. Just writing about it has helped me become more comfortable with sharing my story. It's all about baby steps, y'all.
When my friends and I got together last week for our little birthday celebration, we got onto the topic of God's will. I was sharing that it can be difficult to know how to pray...we would love another baby, and yet I don't know if that's God's will for my life. And I want to petition for this baby without worrying that God will find me greedy or ungrateful for all that we've already been blessed with. One of my friends responded, "You know, part of God's will for you is that you be honest with Him."
I think sometimes I'm afraid that if I express my worries and fears to God, it's a sign that I'm not trusting enough. That if this all works out in the end and I'm lucky enough to have another baby, then God will be justified in saying, "See, I told you that it would all work out. And you didn't trust me. You were worried for nothing."
While it's true that I don't want to waste time worrying over something I can't control, and I know that God is worthy of my trust, I was reminded that it is okay to just bring it all to God. I don't need to take my thoughts and feelings, sort it all out, neatly package it, and present it in an organized manner to God. I can be real with Him and trust that He knows my heart. He is, after all, the One to gave me a capacity to love and a desire for more children. There's nothing selfish about that.
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