Wow.
Recently I finished Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. It is an incredibly powerful book. Mary Beth isn't the most polished writer on the planet, but there's a reason this book was on the NY Times Bestseller list.
In case you don't know her story, let me summarize. Mary Beth is the wife of contemporary Christian music star Steven Curtis Chapman. She and Steven had three biological children before going on to adopt three daughters from China. In 2008, her five year old daughter Maria was accidentally struck by an SUV driven by the Chapman's teenage son. Maria died from her injuries that day.
Mary Beth's writing is honest and transparent. She shares openly about everything: her poor body image as a teenager, her struggle with depression, the challenge of being in the public eye because of her husband's fame, her ongoing battle with grief. And yet, even in her deepest, darkest moments, Mary Beth points her reader back to God.
She admits that more often than not, she finds herself longing for the return of Jesus Christ so that she can hold her sweet daughter in her arms once again...the hope of heaven.
But on those days that she feels on the verge of despair, when fear and doubt and anger and sadness threaten to swallow her whole...it is in those moments that she chooses to SEE how God is working. How He is making all things new. That joys and blessings surround her even in the midst of sorrow and grief. It is in those moments, she shares, that she chooses to believe what she knows to be Truth - truth about God, about life, about herself - even when her broken heart is telling her a different story.
She would be the first one to say that none of it is easy. If she had her way, her daughter would still be here. She and her family wouldn't be carrying this burden of sorrow and grief. But sadly, that's not the reality. And since that's the case, she's determined to SEE how God can be glorified in the midst of such tragedy.
It is a wonderfully inspiring story, especially for anyone who has experienced loss or suffering or pain. I will admit that some nights it was hard to close my eyes after reading, the description of the accident scene and the horrifying emotions that come with experiencing such a loss made me want to run into the other room, grab hold of my boy and never let him go. But Mary Beth's story is so encouraging that it is worth the read.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Sometimes It Just Doesn't Make Sense
Thinking about a fellow IF blogger who's going through her fourth miscarriage. She recently announced her pregnancy, and I was so hoping this was it for her. I can only imagine how heartbroken she is tonight. Why do some people have to go through so much pain and disappointment? I wish I had the words to encourage her. Some things I just don't think we'll understand this side of heaven.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Inspiration
I find Joni Erickson Tada to be one of the most inspirational Christian women in the world today. She has every reason to be bitter, and yet she is joy-filled, encouraging, faithful, and God-honoring. Talk about being graceful and choosing joy in the midst of hardship! Her amazing attitude and strong faith inspire me and humble me all at the same time.
I just saw a link to this on face.book, and I SO want to get my hands on this pamphlet:
God's Hand in Our Hardship:
http://www.joniandfriends.org/store/product/gods-hand-our-hardship/
Looks like an encouraging read!
I just saw a link to this on face.book, and I SO want to get my hands on this pamphlet:
God's Hand in Our Hardship:
http://www.joniandfriends.org/store/product/gods-hand-our-hardship/
Looks like an encouraging read!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Hard Truth
Why is it so hard to talk about infertility?
For me, the details can feel so private and personal that it can be hard to share. And it's not just my gory details, but also my husband's. Then there's the fear of gossip; I don't really want people talking about the very private and very personal details of our lives. There's the shame...people making assumptions that there is something wrong with me when there isn't.
The list goes on.
For me, there's also the guilt. Sometimes it's a challenge for me to admit that this is hard...and not what I hoped for or dreamed of when I thought about having babies. It's not hard in a daily, constantly-consuming-my-life kind of way...but there are definitely moments when it is just plain hard. In those moments, I almost feel guilty for saying it, because I don't want to sound ungrateful for all the wonderful blessings in my life. I don't want God or others to think I'm so focused on having a baby that I'm missing all of the wonderful gifts in my life.
I get that perspective is good...if I put all my focus and energy into having another baby, if I make that my prize, if that's my source of happiness and joy, then I'm bound to lose sight of all of the goodness around me. I am positive and joyful by nature, and for the most part I think I do a good job on focusing on the blessings and not on the fear or disappointments or pain in life. But sometimes I think I don't give myself permission to just be real when something is hard.
Sometimes perspective gets me in trouble. I'll find myself minimizing my own struggles, because there's always someone out there that's got it much worse. Which is true. Everyone goes through difficult times at some point or another in their life. That's true too. And yet, the disappointments, fears, and pain that I have experienced are real and true, and it's okay for me to grieve that as well, without comparing my story to someone else's.
It's good for me to be open and honest and vulnerable and transparent. I know, I know...the irony that this blog is anonymous isn't lost on me. :) But blogging about this journey has been so good for me. Just writing about it has helped me become more comfortable with sharing my story. It's all about baby steps, y'all.
When my friends and I got together last week for our little birthday celebration, we got onto the topic of God's will. I was sharing that it can be difficult to know how to pray...we would love another baby, and yet I don't know if that's God's will for my life. And I want to petition for this baby without worrying that God will find me greedy or ungrateful for all that we've already been blessed with. One of my friends responded, "You know, part of God's will for you is that you be honest with Him."
I think sometimes I'm afraid that if I express my worries and fears to God, it's a sign that I'm not trusting enough. That if this all works out in the end and I'm lucky enough to have another baby, then God will be justified in saying, "See, I told you that it would all work out. And you didn't trust me. You were worried for nothing."
While it's true that I don't want to waste time worrying over something I can't control, and I know that God is worthy of my trust, I was reminded that it is okay to just bring it all to God. I don't need to take my thoughts and feelings, sort it all out, neatly package it, and present it in an organized manner to God. I can be real with Him and trust that He knows my heart. He is, after all, the One to gave me a capacity to love and a desire for more children. There's nothing selfish about that.
For me, the details can feel so private and personal that it can be hard to share. And it's not just my gory details, but also my husband's. Then there's the fear of gossip; I don't really want people talking about the very private and very personal details of our lives. There's the shame...people making assumptions that there is something wrong with me when there isn't.
The list goes on.
For me, there's also the guilt. Sometimes it's a challenge for me to admit that this is hard...and not what I hoped for or dreamed of when I thought about having babies. It's not hard in a daily, constantly-consuming-my-life kind of way...but there are definitely moments when it is just plain hard. In those moments, I almost feel guilty for saying it, because I don't want to sound ungrateful for all the wonderful blessings in my life. I don't want God or others to think I'm so focused on having a baby that I'm missing all of the wonderful gifts in my life.
I get that perspective is good...if I put all my focus and energy into having another baby, if I make that my prize, if that's my source of happiness and joy, then I'm bound to lose sight of all of the goodness around me. I am positive and joyful by nature, and for the most part I think I do a good job on focusing on the blessings and not on the fear or disappointments or pain in life. But sometimes I think I don't give myself permission to just be real when something is hard.
Sometimes perspective gets me in trouble. I'll find myself minimizing my own struggles, because there's always someone out there that's got it much worse. Which is true. Everyone goes through difficult times at some point or another in their life. That's true too. And yet, the disappointments, fears, and pain that I have experienced are real and true, and it's okay for me to grieve that as well, without comparing my story to someone else's.
It's good for me to be open and honest and vulnerable and transparent. I know, I know...the irony that this blog is anonymous isn't lost on me. :) But blogging about this journey has been so good for me. Just writing about it has helped me become more comfortable with sharing my story. It's all about baby steps, y'all.
When my friends and I got together last week for our little birthday celebration, we got onto the topic of God's will. I was sharing that it can be difficult to know how to pray...we would love another baby, and yet I don't know if that's God's will for my life. And I want to petition for this baby without worrying that God will find me greedy or ungrateful for all that we've already been blessed with. One of my friends responded, "You know, part of God's will for you is that you be honest with Him."
I think sometimes I'm afraid that if I express my worries and fears to God, it's a sign that I'm not trusting enough. That if this all works out in the end and I'm lucky enough to have another baby, then God will be justified in saying, "See, I told you that it would all work out. And you didn't trust me. You were worried for nothing."
While it's true that I don't want to waste time worrying over something I can't control, and I know that God is worthy of my trust, I was reminded that it is okay to just bring it all to God. I don't need to take my thoughts and feelings, sort it all out, neatly package it, and present it in an organized manner to God. I can be real with Him and trust that He knows my heart. He is, after all, the One to gave me a capacity to love and a desire for more children. There's nothing selfish about that.
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