The Part of the Story Where I Wish There Was a Better Ending

Oh, how I wish I had better news for this post.  But sadly I don't.

To recap:

Two weeks ago Saturday, we had our retrieval.  We ended up with 8 eggs.
Good, not great, based on our doctor's predictions.
But I'll take it.

The next day we get a call from the nurse.  Six of the eggs were mature enough to fertilize.
Five of them take.
Five feels good....enough for multiple tries.
Maybe even multiple babies. 
(Oh, dare I hope?)

Lots of prayers are uttered on Sunday as we simply await Monday's transfer.
Lord, please protect our babies.

Bright and early Monday morning we make the 2 hour trek to our reproductive endocrinologist's office.
Our spirits are high and we're feeling hopeful.
We are prepped and brought into the transfer room.
The doctor comes in and tells us that only ONE embryo continued to develop through the night.  That the sperm was just "no good" this time around.
One.

We are disappointed and discouraged.
And yet, we have HOPE.
This one, sweet little embryo.
The doctor tells us that this little one is healthy and that we have a chance - about a 40% chance.

Forty percent is great in the fertility world.
In the real world though, it doesn't feel as great.
The big, gaping 60% is staring me right in the face.

But we're grateful for anything at all.
And we know that our God is a God of miracles.
That with Him, numbers and chance don't matter. 
"Insurance" of extra embryos means little.
It's all God.
We choose to hope for the best, knowing that we are in God's hands now.
That's a good place to be.

We spent the past two weeks waiting. 
Mostly we stay strong.
But as the day of the pregnancy test nears, I am feeling more discouraged.
Any symptoms of being pregnant (most likely brought on by the HCG shot in the first place) have disappeared.
I know there is still a chance, but I'm worried.

Today was the pregnancy test day.
I woke up to spotting.
My gut is telling me that it's just not going to happen this time.

I go ahead and get myself and the boy out of the house and over to the lab.
I cry all the way home.

We wait all day to hear from the nurse. 
I'm still spotting, and I know in my heart that I'm not going to hear happy news today.

I'm right. 
The nurse finally calls around 4 to let me know that the test results are negative.
And she's so very sorry.
So am I.

Then I have to break the news to the Mr. who arrives home from work shortly after.
He has a glimmer of hope in his eyes, and I know that he thinks that it was a good sign that I didn't call him earlier.
Like maybe I wanted to surprise him with good news.
I hate to be the one to give him the news that breaks his heart.
This sucks.

We decide we need a distraction, so we head out of the house for awhile. 
Treat ourselves to Cokes and greasy restaurant fare.
"Comfort food," we say.
But we both admit that we'd give up Coke for the rest of our lives, if we could have a baby.
The Mr. says he'd even give up his computer for the rest of his life in exchange for a baby.
And if you know him, that's really saying something.

There is grief and disappointment and frustration.
There's confusion and asking "Why?"
But there's also comfort in knowing that God holds our future in the palm of His hand.
We are grateful for friends that are lifting us up even as I type this.

The Mr. reminds me that we have so much to be thankful for.
And it's true.
We just wanted more.

So what's next?
We really don't know how to answer that question.
And that's okay, because we don't need to right now.

I hate to think about never using my baby clothes again,
or never having a chance to dust off the old baby swing.
My heart longs for more children to fill our home.
And yet I am eternally grateful for the one I have.

We'll see what God has in store.

Retrieval Day!

Phew, we made it!  I'm happy to say that I am on the other side of the retrieval.  We reported to the doctor's office at 7:15 this morning for an 8:00 AM retrieval.  The nurse prepped my IV and I met with the anesthesiologist.  Things got going just after 8. 

The sedation worked like a charm.  Once I got in place in the procedure room, the anesthesiologist gave me some oxygen and asked me if I was starting to feel fuzzy.  I said "No,"...and that was the last thing I remembered!

Unfortunately, after the procedure I woke up to quite a bit of pain because I was cramping like crazy.  It lasted the better part of an hour but progressively got better as the tylenol (and later, the ibuprofen) kicked in.  I went home and slept most of the afternoon and now I feel like a new person.  I am still quite sore in the abdominal area, but I think that I'll be feeling back to normal tomorrow!

And...the results.  Well, we continue to be cautiously optimistic.  Based on ultrasounds, the doctor was expecting to retrieve 15-18 eggs. We were to the point that we were thinking that we would need to limit the number that we had fertilized.  But for whatever reason, there weren't eggs present in each of the follicles that he aspirated.  This seems to be a repeating pattern for me in these IVF cycles, and we're not sure why.  But we ended up with 8 eggs, which is still a good number.  The last few days we have been praying over the number of eggs, that God's sovereignty would cover whatever decision we made with our limited knowledge and perspective.  Now we need to trust that this is the perfect number for us, and hope that God will choose to bless us in this process.  It only takes one embryo, after all!  (Although we are certainly hoping for a few more!)

Tomorrow we will find out how many of the eggs they were able to fertilize, and what time to report on Monday for the transfer (God willing!).

Tonight I am feeling thankful and am feeling at peace for the most part.  We hope to get great news tomorrow, but we know that we are in God's hands, and that is a good place to be.  May He give us grace for whatever the outcome!

Thanks to those of you who have walked with us, prayed for us, and encouraged us through this process.  We love you and are thankful for each of you. 

The Beginning of the End

It's been quite a week!  I saw the doctor Saturday, Monday, Wednesday, and today.  Things are progressing really well, and at this point I'm feeling cautiously optimistic that this cycle may end much differently than our one in April...and that is a good thing.  There's been a lot of activity in my ovaries (meaning lots of follicles growing, and I have some huge ones!).  I'm hoping this means that we'll be retrieving some nice, big, healthy, mature eggs.

Speaking of which, my retrieval is scheduled for Saturday morning at 8 AM.  I'm feeling nervous and hopeful, but mostly I'm just eager to have it over.  It's the beginning of the end, and it's scary.  So much is going to happen over the next few days.  Overall this cycle seems to be so much better, and we're actually having to discuss whether or not we want to limit the number of eggs we have fertilized...we have the potential to have THAT many.  It's so hard to know what to do...on one hand, we hate to limit and then wish we had done more.  On the other hand, we do not want to be in the position of having too many embryos.  Praying that God gives us wisdom on this one, and that He will give us the perfect number.

If all goes according to plan, transfer will take place on Monday.  And then we wait!  It's almost surreal that we're at this point again.  I am thankful.

And speaking of thankful, I am SO incredibly thankful for the excellent customer service I have received from my specialty pharmacy over the past week.  We have had one heck of a time getting refills on my meds this past week thanks to superstorm Sandy.  There was actually one point on Monday afternoon that I got a call telling me that those meds that I had to have delivered the next morning?  Yeah, that wasn't going to happen, thanks to the weather.  (The pharmacy is stationed in Pennsylvania.)  I tell you, I nearly broke down and cried right there on the phone.  Being in the middle of the cycle, I could NOT go without these refills!  But we worked together, and in the end they managed to get my stuff shipped to me overnight night, from Texas (I live in the Midwest).  Phew!  Thank you God!

Another thing to be thankful for...the boy and I have been staying with my aunt this past week in order to be closer to my doctor's office (I live 2 hours away from my fertility specialist).  We have had a good week together.  Tonight the Mr. joined us; I'm happy to have our family all under one roof again.  And I'm especially thankful that my aunt so generously opened her home to us this week!

And one more thing.  Two of my husband's brothers, their wives, and their families (along with several of the Mr.'s aunts, uncles, and cousins) live on the east coast.  They are without power, but they are safe and their houses are fine.  We are so grateful.

I hope you all have much to be thankful for this week as well!